“You are free and that is why you are lost.”

– Franz Kafka, “Letter to His Father”

I constantly sway back and forth between knowing who I am and what I want, then not knowing anything about myself at all. It’s like an automatic dissociation from the self and it leaves me ungrounded, floating. I often try to resist this lost feeling, but it’s such a frequent experience now and since many of my experiences often inspire wonderful art, I’m just going to let it happen now.

There is a loss and lack of meaning behind so many instances where I’m hyper aware of my absence in various populations…groups…social circles. For the longest time, this felt like a curse, like I was some sort of poison everyone was trying to avoid or when they did notice me, I was either scolded, shunned, or pushed to convert to what makes them feel comfortable. Why do they tell me how to feel? How to act? How to think? I can’t belong in places, no, I won’t belong in any place where everyone wants to be the same or where everyone wants to be unique and free, yet surrenders that power to one way of being. I feel like most societies develop a mutual and reciprocal respect for how we should live together, tolerate each other, but even in America, land of the free, there are sects of different societies that are determined to control one another not noticing they’re being controlled by higher powers…or perhaps they do know. Perhaps they’re just as aware as I am that the figures with the most power and influence have made themselves untouchable, so if you can’t beat them, join them and if you can’t join them, mimic them, pretend. What loss…

I was reviewing the aspects of Luciferian doctrine from a variety of left-hand sources. I do that when I feel lonely and lost; it’s such a lovely reminder that I’m not alone in the pursuit of enlightenment, enamored by the virtue of being the forever student because the mysteries of nature are so everlasting, that they will outlive us effortlessly. There’s something about accepting that that makes being a mystic honorable. Because I no longer bow to gods or people playing god nor dive too deeply in a doctrine or an influence simply because of its appeal (Luciferianism included), I have an intense, undying freedom, which I noticed repels anyone who has only wanted to blend in or belong. I do tend to romanticize solitude, but I don’t want to be cut off from experiences with others simply because they won’t find any need to include me in something. Even if I am included, whether ulterior motives are there or not, the experience inspires.

Who am I? Am I freedom or is that too simple? Am I ravenous for knowledge or does that set a very ambiguous precedent of my identity? (It’s not like I’m a walking computer.) “I’m an artist,” is closer. “I’m a creator,” is even closer. “I’m a mystic and creative spirit,” hits the nail on the head for me and will forever be too mysterious for others. Perhaps because I live in a world where individual souls are so desperate for belonging, I mimicked that as a learned behavior. I don’t think I want to belong to anyone or anything, at least according the standards of a society. I think my belongingness exists within myself and is transfixed with the reality of my existence, which I guess is as grounded as I’ll ever get.

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Hey there,

I hope you all had a nice weekend even though the astrological energy was very intense and Saturnarian. The fourth is a holiday out here in the U.S., but there wasn’t much to celebrate, really. My introversion was pretty extreme over the weekend. I set aside some time to reflect on my future and what kinds of things I’ve manifested due to how I was in the past. After that, I’m more motivated to work on my writing career and I’m grateful for that. Sometimes too much reflection pulls you away from accepting the present for what it is.

More VPD and other things on the way. Hope you have a good one.

I’m taking some time to reflect today for the sake of making sure I take steps on the path that’s right for me. The video above has great meditation music for aura cleansing. I’ve been enjoying it anyway since it’s subtle and ambient. It was great for my morning divination today.

Be well.

More posts

photo of a full moon

Moondays Should Be Mindful – [Just Me]

It’s so important to have just one day completely stress free, but that’s not easy…like ever. Considering that many of us have been “grinding” so to speak either in the workforce or in school most of our lives, we can’t just say, “I’m relaxing now,” and boom! You’re chill AF. That’s not life. That’s not […]

You are never alone if you remember and believe that you are connected to all things. Trust moments of solitude so you’ll have time to ground yourself and feel that connection. You’ll find who you are there and those who need to strengthen their connection with you shall find you, just as you are searching for them. We just need moments of silence sometimes so we can hear the call or be still in the chaos so we can feel what direction we’re being pulled in.

You are never alone, but when you feel alone, just be still.

Hate love.
Love hate.

This was once an old mantra of mine during my emo-tastic teenage years. It came about from heartache and trying to process why some people liked you and some people didn’t or why some people stayed and some people gladly left. It was incredibly hard for me to find my tribe when I was younger and the loneliness warped my view on the purpose of relationships. It’s still hard to find my tribe now, but I’m grateful for who I have in my social circle today. Without the experience of exploring your similarities and differences with others, you’ll have a more difficult time understanding yourself. The world is a mirror. Love and hatred are also mirrors. There were many I hated because I loved them so much and my love for hatred fueled me to get through many events. It was the fire that kept me warm when no one else would. Looking back at it now, it’s a poor justification for resentment, but it was also one of the few coping mechanisms I had. It’s no wonder I take a liking to the revenge story. Self-destructive, bittersweet, but still satisfying in some way (nerd confession: this is why Anakin/Darth Vader was one of my favorite characters back then and why Episode Three is still enjoyable).

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However, the old mantra has more cons than pros now that I’ve grown. Sometimes rage still seems like the best defense against the untrustworthy, but there are healthier ways to set boundaries. I’ll leave my vengeful pleasures for my art to enjoy.

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