Mental and Emotional Exhaustion…but Progress

I really hate it when I disappear for a week or so at a time and I am sorry for that. It really comes down to the way my energy has been distributed. The part-time job (which really is a measely 4-5 hours 3 times a week) drains me. And it’s not necessarily the job itself, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a high sensitivity to how and where I give my energy. I find it’s very similar to how introverts are drained by people and extroverts are drained by loneliness, but for me it’s being drained combined with a lack of fulfillment.

Yesterday, I gave myself a rest day. I decided to read more of The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova and came across a passage that reminded me of the major arcana “The World” in tarot, which then led to an idea about my own novel and that led to a quick study into Christian gnosticism, which then inspired a backstory for my antagonist and protragonist. I could spend an entire day diving into literature, history, religion, philosophy, and any other river of knowledge because it literally quenches the thirst I need for feeling fulfilled.

As I wrote on my tumblr, this is all I am. I consider my “art” basically anything I write, compose, sing, draw, or any creative project I get into. Everything else is self-explanatory. I can’t handle being caged in like it seems at the moment. But I’m not caged. I have plenty of resources that I am and should be using to build the life I want (and really, it’s a life I already have; I’m just building upon it every day). Just need to take my own advice from my article, “The ‘Lack Mentality’ is Killing Us” :

“None of us like being inconsiderate with our resources or insensitive to those who are trying to support us, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. The lack mentality encourages the emptiness that no one asked for. It’s just there. One thing to remember is that the emptiness you struggle with developed over time. This means, decreasing that emptiness will happen over time…Stop expecting the resources and support given to provide instant gratification,”

Authentikei, 2018

So, each time I go to the part-time job and decide to work more and more hours there instead of trusting myself to provide my own income through my work, that emptiness expands a little more. The mental and emotional fatigue comes from feeling hollow and uninspired. I plan to change that and use every resource to do so. It will take patience, because it won’t be instant, but I’m so damn sure it’ll be worth it. Financial responsibility and dream building is a tough tug-of-war for many of us, but you certainly feel more alive when you let the dreams win. We forget sometimes that our dreams can manifest into a real lifestyle that monetizes itself.

For those who read and check up on me, thank you for the support. You’ll hear more of my work very, very soon.

The Practice

There are so many delusions out there that want us to believe that certain experiences, especially healing and success, can be achieved instantly. I’m not saying some instantaneous things happen in life, but too many of us think that the lack of an instantaneous event is a type of curse or punishment for whatever reason. The development of gaining any kind of achievement is a process; I like to call it practice.

Reminding myself that I am in a state of practice is an encouraging way to remain teachable. Being teachable also increased my gratitude for the resources that mentor me by simply existing. My practice is a natural patience that helps me to progress towards my achievements and give me time to appreciate where I am in the present moment. This practice isn’t always a peaceful flow (which is obvious because without disruption in life, what’s the point?) and I’m grateful for the unknown elements and the unexpected obstacles. Well, I’m not instantly grateful. I get irritated still. I rant and rave. I jump on a social media platform and express frustration or make it into a poem, song, short story, etc. and that’s when it happens. In the friction of my frustration with the obstacle and the unknown, I create a spectacular new opportunity for myself. That is inspiration and acting on that inspiration is a practice.

Practice is not about perfection. The unknown and unexpected make things wonderfully messy and bring disastrous intrigue that make my heart race and my mind fluster. I anchor myself with a pen on paper, my finger gliding over a keyboard, a graphite pencil on a sketchbook, or with sound soaring from my throat. The practice is merging these instantaneous inspirations into long-term investments. Manifestation.

I adore being in a state of practice. It gives me permission to be human and just bleed.

Featured Image Art: Quando il Demone Chiama by L-E-N-T-E-S-C-U-R-A on Deviantart

6 Ways To Cleanse and Empower Yourself – [New Article]

“This is not your average list of cleansing techniques. You’re not going to be told that these techniques are going to help you “get rid of all the negativity and toxicity in your life.” You’re not going to be offered products that can take care of everything that’s a problem in your life. This is a list of cleansing techniques that also empowers you. We are taking the time to know ourselves, know our environment, and invest in our confidence.”

Read the rest of the article here…

I’m really excited to share this article with all of you. Please read and let me know what you think.  The techniques are based on sensation/stimuli:

  1. Listen
  2. Look
  3. Feel
  4. Breathe
  5. Touch
  6. Practice

I really hope it will help those who need cleansing in their lives and wants to be empowered enough to handle whatever kind of negativity comes their way.

Don’t forget to follow


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Pursue Your Joy, Damn It!

You need to remind others and yourself that you have the ability and the resources to do great things and enjoy life. Pursue your joy, damn it! This is a hard thing to do because this isn’t what many of us are raised to do or learn. Just as fear alerts you to what you find dangerous, joy alerts you to what sparks excitement in your life.

I had to get that out because I’m sick of us limiting ourselves, damn it. If you’re tired of humanity being self-destructive, then stop self-destructing!

I’m not trying to make this sound like an easy thing. I’m choosing to contribute to the forces that encourage the accessibility to possibility.

You know what brought me a little joy today? Recycling my candle jars and putting herbs in them! And then sharing that with others! Boom! Because being a witch makes me joyful.

Become your joy. It is possible. This isn’t forced positivity; it’s anti-self-depreciation. I’m not going to tolerate self-destructive behavior on this platform.

Laughing In The Face of Uncertainty

It was the first time I ever laughed when asked what I was doing with my life. Usually social anxiety and hypothetical fears sweep in, but I just wasn’t in such a vulnerable state where I was going to allow myself to be crippled again. It was marvelous, a joyful success. My response in the mix of my laughter was “I don’t know.” That response often makes those who care for you uncomfortable or worried that you’re losing a sense of reality. Just because I don’t know what’s ahead doesn’t mean I’m aimless. I am a very passionate, determined, and disciplined person who is sincerely on the path of abandoning temporary validation. Validation from myself is most important right now.

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I’m not necessarily implying that it’s wise to disregard the advice and concern of others. Rather, I’m asserting that I’m more grounded and mindful than I was previously and I certainly can’t help but be proud of that. My mind is this creative jungle and none of the animals residing there are tamed. You can’t explain how much fun hanging out in that jungle is to people who go out of their way to ignore what their mind and inner self is trying to tell them. All the creative projects I have in mind and every moment of effort I put into bringing them into reality makes me feel so very alive. So very free. What people don’t understand is that it’s a process, a joyful one, but a process nonetheless. Why would I dabble with this when it’s more convenient to get a job that brings more immediate income and thereafter more stability? Well, it’s not like a job is completely out of the question for me. What I am doing right now, even writing this post, every page of my novel, every song I want to sing or write, every time my paintbrush hits paper, IS my job. Every project is my professional stride and while I work on these projects as top priority, I don’t mind having another job on the side that provides income, well, I see it more like funding, for my first job. Right now, that’s what I’m doing. It’s not an elaborate plan with milestones or scheduled goals. I love it so much.

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Also, being in this state of freedom doesn’t lack organization either. I have a general deadline for finishing the first draft of my novel and sometimes for other projects, but I’m my own boss. There’s a flexibility I’ve learned to grant myself without diminishing my discipline. I will compensate for missed time. I will work overtime somedays. I will also give myself a goddamn break when I’m overloaded. My creative work is inspiring me to fall in love with myself in a humbling way, where I’m acknowledging my strengths and weaknesses, constantly evaluating my capabilities, adapting my working process so the ultimate goal of sharing my accomplished work is done. Love towards myself has inspired this and it’s more efficient than harsh perfectionism and self-criticism ever was. It’s funny looking back on those perfectionist times and recalling how praised I was for that. Here I am doing the opposite where I have such a greater integrity towards my sense of self, but since there’s little understanding of which direction that’s going due to its ambiguity, there’s uncertain support most times. I shouldn’t forget, however, that there’s surmountable support from the universe as well. Waking up often leads to leaving the sleepers to their dreams or nightmares with the hope we’ll all walk together eventually.

I’m not taking any of this experience where I’m coming into my own, loving my life, and being proud of my accomplishments in any haughty way whatsoever. I had to write today because I am filled with a joyful, but fierce respect for my life. I am grounded, but my head is also in the clouds. I am focused, but also enjoying the thrill of imaginative wonder. I’m a walking paradox harmonizing with what and who I’m in love with.

I am.

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