The Most Ridiculous Thing – [Just Me]

The most ridiculous thing to ask of me is to stop rambling about my passions.

Classical Lofi and Honest Chaos – [Just Me/Video]

First and foremost, I found classical lofi and I love it.

Second, I’ve accepted that my writing and creative career is being accomplished in chaotic baby steps. I make small achievements on a daily basis, I think, but thanks to the mental health issues I have, sometimes I forget that daily progress. There’s a lot about my mind that I’m still learning. What I have learned has completely disrupted every single one of my schedules. NaNoWriMo? Only lasted a few days. Poetry reading? Nearly forgot it existed. Psychology degree? Who cares. Eating healthy? Why?

Yeah. It got that bad and then some. It happens though. Actually, this is what my entire life has always been like and when I look back at how my literal hurricane brain somehow achieved previous goals, I’m impressed and baffled really. When my hurricane brain goes full throttle, I beat myself up about it and that is currently a hard habit to break. I long for structure when it comes to my life goals, even though I am a lover of chaos because it inspires me. I guess I have to accept that there’s a method to my madness now. Even my therapist told me I’m trying to force structure on things that aren’t needed, and my rebuttal was, “Dude, it’s my career though,” and my therapist replied with, “Sounds like you need a partner/help,” which I laugh at because who in their right mind would be able to handle me? I can’t even handle me…I know there are those crazy agents out there who are willing to help artists of all sorts promote themselves and their insanity, but I can’t really imagine anyone like that for myself. That doesn’t mean it can’t happen, but, you know…If it happens, it happens.

So yeah, that’s me currently. I’m going to continue understanding myself, grounding myself, and when another creative project is completed, I’ll let you know.

The most recent completion is finally releasing my cover of “Love’s A Burden” by the metal symphonic band Beyond The Black. It’s a dark electronic wonder and I love it. Many thanks if you listen and subscribe to my YouTube. If you don’t have YouTube in your country, I will upload the video on the website soon. You can find the music on Spotify, Tidal, Apple Music, GooglePlay and other digital music distributors.

Love’s A Burden – Cover Song – [Music Video]

My cover of Love’s A Burden. Hope you enjoy and subscribe.

Comment what you think below 🙂

Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/Tumblr: Authentikei

Available on iTunes/Apple Music, Spotify, Tidal, TikTok, Amazon, GooglePlay, Deezer, Pandora, Twitch and more.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/0gpepcMMhXEGMh1UEdj9Uk

Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/album/loves-a-burden-single/1538243561?uo=4&app=music&at=1001lry3&ct=dashboard

Mercury Retrograde Killed My Perfectionism (Sort of) – Just Me

I didn’t really notice the Mercury in Scorpio retrograde energy until yesterday and I could only express how the energy messed with me in a silly Tumblr post.

Yeah, so that happened and the relief from perfectionism just from the academic aspect has bled into the music aspect as well. I’m so freaking close to releasing this new cover song and already planning the next one!

Sometimes a friend will ask me if Mercury retrograde is even a “real” thing. Usually I say it comes down to your belief and understanding of astrology, but if the retrograde energies don’t seem to affect you, then why worry?

If you’re into astrology and want to know What To Expect During Each Planetary Retrograde, click here. And you’re welcome 🙂 .


More on Astrology

Astrology 101: The Aspects

How Your Twin Flame Journey Affects Your Venus Sign

Remembering The Astrological Houses The Easy Way


Love’s A Burden – Cover Song – [Music Video]

My cover of Love’s A Burden. Hope you enjoy and subscribe. Comment what you think below 🙂 Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/Tumblr: Authentikei Available on iTunes/Apple Music, Spotify, Tidal, TikTok, Amazon, GooglePlay, Deezer, Pandora, Twitch and more. Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/0gpepcMMhXEGMh1UEdj9Uk Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/album/loves-a-burden-single/1538243561?uo=4&app=music&at=1001lry3&ct=dashboard

I Miss My Music – [Just Me]

So being self-employed means wearing so many hats and I’m still trying to get the hang of all that I need to do and all that I want to do… but I’m happy doing it. I really miss sharing my music though. It’s just taking so much time…

My cover song hit a bit of a snag but that’s okay. I think I’ll be able to finish my next poetry reading soon. I miss releasing music so much. When my depression reached its peak in 2016 and swallowed me whole, I missed making music the most. Unfortunately, I self-destructed and deleted everything I posted in the past. It was just silly cover songs from anime, video games, and other shows I liked. Honestly, I might bring some of them back because they were building into something for me and I’m sad that I sabotaged the opportunity to see what it could have been.

I won’t give up this time around.

I hope you’re doing well. If you’re a creative like me, you better not give up either.

Working on Music and Poetry Projects – [News]

The lack of blogging and writing is due to getting closer and closer to finishing a poetry reading and a cover song that was put off long ago. I tend to rotate between my creative projects, so when the music buzz hit, I jumped right on it and I’m really grateful for the breakthroughs I’ve made. However, I don’t like going radio silent either with my blogging or Vocal articles, but I guess you can’t do everything at once right? In a perfect world, I could work on all of my projects, get my schoolwork done, and still have time to relax afterwards, haha.

I hope you all are well and I’ll let you know when the projects are done. I will be posting videos on my YouTube channel, but for my readers who can’t use YouTube, I’ll see if WordPress or another video player is available to embed.

Be well.

Experiences – [Just Me]

I got to travel out of town after months of staying in my home and it was so, so, so fantastic! Experiences with friends and observing different spaces inspired me so much. This pandemic…this year, really, has been depriving us from certain things one way or another, hasn’t it? I’m grateful for those of us who prioritize safety and care for others during this time because that will bring us all a step closer to experiencing the world in person again. I’m also grateful for the interconnectedness the internet gives us too, but virtual reality is not reality. Many of us are past expecting things to “go back to normal”, accepting that new cycles come and old ways pass on. The changes have been difficult to adapt to, but I must agree that the “new normal” is making so many of us embrace being more realistic, pragmatic, and open. We’re letting go of expectation and convenience to enhance our autonomy even when it challenges the status quo or makes closed-minded people erupt over what and who they can’t control.

We are learning the difference between being confident and being self-righteous. We are learning the difference between having conviction and being entitled. We are learning to be authentically bold rather than complacent or compliant. It’s a necessary development full of loss, heartache, and separation. As you pursue your truth, you will let go of what is false to you and lose far more than you expected or ever wanted. It’s amazing how expensive developing the true self is.

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

Advice for the Ambitious – [Just Me]

I’ve been listening to three audiobooks for my own self-improvement. Currently, my picks are You Creative Career by Anna Sabino (this is actually a reread for me), The Business of Being a Writer by Jane Friedman, and How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. There’s so much about self-improvement that have nothing to do with yourself as an individual. There’s more advice about how other people are, how they can help or hurt you, and how to connect with the people you do want in your life. I’m an anxiety-ridden artist who is improving on being my natural confident self rather than faking it. I have my days where I’m still faking it for other people. It gives me this strange sense of imposter syndrome and I feel less grounded in who I am. One trait about myself that I know is unshakable is my ambition. My individualism shines when I’m driven and courageous enough to deal with unpredictable challenges or make mistakes and learn from them. When this part of me shines, I start to see a pattern with some of the people in my life. They don’t shine with me and my anxiety responds to that by saying “darken down a bit or you’ll hurt their feelings.” I’m done doing that sh*t and here’s why.

Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

While meditating today, I accepted another complexity of human nature that can be a beautiful, but paralyzing thing: self-esteem. Self-esteem is more about how we see ourselves and how we think others see us than it is about confidence. Self-esteem, to me, is self-consciousness and self-awareness. It’s the blurry area of our self-image that doesn’t clear up unless we do something with the intent clear things up. What I started doing is imagining myself in the social situations mentioned in my audiobooks and take a moment to ask myself, “Is this the kind of interaction or relationship I’m willing or wanting to have with another person?” When Your Creative Career and The Business of Being a Writer discuss building and connecting with an audience, connecting with the right people in the field, and presenting my work proudly and thoughtfully, it’s often a resounding “Hell yeah I want that.” When How To Be Yourself bring up familiar anxiety-based feelings and anxiety-triggering interactions, it’s often a, “I don’t want that and I’m not completely sure how to change that yet, but I want to keep trying.” It’s like a little roleplay I do in a visualization kind of way, but there’s something I haven’t been paying attention to while I do this. My ambition makes me shine. What I should be asking myself is, “Can I shine and stop giving a f**k about everything my anxiety is worried about?” I truly believe I can, but that depends on my social circle and addressing old socializing habits I picked up to “darken” myself.

I really love the friends I have in my life and no matter their flaws or shortcomings, I love them unconditionally. Unconditional love doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t set boundaries though; if anything, it shows that you still love that person just as much as you love yourself. I can’t tell you how fired up I get when my friends tell me they’re not capable of reaching whatever goals they try to set for themselves. The first thing I do is say, “Actually you can do that. Even though you have weaknesses here, your forgetting how your strengths can help you work though that.” Sometimes my friends hear me and sometimes my friends don’t hear me because their anxiety, depression, or whatever pain they’re working through is screaming louder. I had a hard time accepting when their pain was louder than me, but I’m accepting it now and also accepting that shining while your friends are still working on their issues is okay. In no way am I saying give up on them and go on your merry way shining all you want. I’m just saying that the ambitious type has a fire in them that needs to burn even though other people in your life haven’t sparked their own fire. There’s no need to guilt trip yourself and there’s no need to do the opposite like trying to force your friends to be more like you. Let them be and let yourself be. Self-sabotage doesn’t make friendships stronger, but authentic compassion and self-respect does extraordinary well for all types of relationships, according to psychology.

Be well.

Hell of a Week – [Just Me]

There was so much to take care of this week and the weekend was nothing but studying and organizing things for work. I’m exhausted, but I feel very grounded and fulfilled. Sunday’s are my rest days, so I’ll be fine by tomorrow.

The time I’ve taken to organize things for Authentikei has made it easier for me to produce more content between my studies, but organization doesn’t mean I have to be super rigid with myself. Still disciplined but…you know, I’m not going to beat myself up over missing some things. Just adapt and move forward. If you’re a perfectionist or a fan of dark academia (they go hand-in-hand really), you understand how hard it is to just “adapt”. I don’t know if I’m just an academia snob or a psycho perfectionist, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m harshly critiquing the curriculum of my professors. Maybe it’s projection, but I’m pretty sure I know the difference between a class that just wants you to memorize everything versus a class that wants to apply what you’ve learned. No, it’s not because I’m doing poorly in the classes. I’m not doing bad at all and I’m absolutely in love with the content of all of my classes. I can’t wait to share how they’ve inspired me to do more psychoanalytic literary criticisms. In due time, I guess.

Anyway, I’m sorry my blog posts have been few and far between, but I am semi-active social media wise and look forward to sharing my poetry readings and more. I hope you all are doing well and staying safe and empowered.

See ya.

Sometimes I Lose Sight Of Who I Am – [Just Me]

The delusions surrounding are endless. Layer after layer of “I have to do this” and “I need to do that” when it’s all really a choice in the end, my choice.

To recalibrate, I remind myself that it’s not about what I should or have or need to do, but what I want to do. Responsibility is only efficient if you’re working towards an achievement you genuinely desire.

All I want is to be, to speak, be heard, to create, be seen. That only requires a gentle and persistent attentiveness to the soul.

Over this exhausting week, I took moments to praise past creations I was hesitant to share. I’ve decided to follow through with exposing them again, rekindling my music and my poetry.

The research for my dark fantasy novel series has led to a nonfiction book idea actually. It was unexpected, but I think it was a necessary concept that can be manifested into a kind of “guide for creative spirits” thing. All things in time though.

Self-trust and being grounded is so important for me right now. I want to share how refocusing on those two things over and over again is such an excellent anchor that we tend to let go of when distractions occur. I recently listened to the podcast What in the Wyrd by Kelley Harrell, which is basically about life lessons we can attain from the elder futhark aka the Nordic runes used for divination and other magical uses. The most recent episode discussed accountability and soul tending relating to the rune thurisaz, which is all about how there are many types of powers that want to survive. Depending on the power, the extent at which we try to keep that power alive can be out of desperation or integrity or whatever. That also depends on how efficient our soul tending is. Going back to my point, self-trust and being grounded keeps one’s inner power alive and burning, but sometimes us creatives forget that.

I write, I create, and I am because I’m aspiring to stop straying away from myself and forgetting my power to the point that it ends up dying. I don’t want to go back there. Never again.

Be well.