I am a nerd when it comes to writing and I just want to write about writing and also just write. I want write for the rest of my life. I like studying fiction and its genres. I’m a geek about literary theory. I like to deconstruct the fundamentals of storytelling and language. I like identifying a writer’s strengths and weaknesses while psychoanalyzing them. I just…idk this is all sinking in right now. You think it would have sunk in during college and grad school lmao. I think during that time it was sinking, but right now it has SUNK. Since the website I write for is very flexible about what I can write about, I’m going to start making my literature studies into articles that parallel the articles on academic journals and see what happens…while also writing a novel…and preparing to publish poetry…and writing music…and learning to pencil sketch…and studying French, Japanese, Latin, and ASL…And as I build up my writing career…eventually, I’ll have a PhD….because I just want it.
I love my life right now. 🖤 Idk just wanted to share my current life goals.

^^ That right there is just a recent Facebook post. Just thought it belonged here too.

Taking the weekend off was pretty awesome. Although I had relapse in my mental health and am still fighting through that relapse, the weekend was ultimately a blast! In a weird way it inspired the foundation of my protagonist’s personal philosophy. So, that’s neat. Mindfulness works, guys. It takes practice.

I will be doing another first draft completion countdown and give updates on my progress. I’m still recovering from the social hangover from the weekend. First draft writing shall commence tomorrow. More fun projects keep popping up too. It’s like my brain thinks that I’ve already completed the first draft and now I can move onto something else that will help with the second or final draft. Lol nope. One thing at a time. As you can see from my Facebook post, I like having multiple projects and hobbies to fill up my day, but it’s important to make sure those projects are completed. What’s the use of even having goals or cool ideas without any followthrough?

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They’re a thing.

They happen.

They’re survivable,

yet

embarrassing.

It’s the equivalent

of shooting yourself in the foot,

bleeding all over the floor,

but still walking around,

limping even,

and not processing the pain for a long while,

too long,

until you stub your toe,

look down at your ridiculous foot

with a giant, gaping hole,

and see blood everywhere.

Then you wonder,

“How did I not know?”

You can go to the hospital for your foot,

but doctors won’t heal your dignity.

Ugh.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Creative projects like cover songs, writing my novel, or painting digitally or traditionally helps me with so many issues I have. Even blogging is becoming a beautiful outlet for me. I need to praise this because my social anxiety makes it damn near impossible to talk to anyone. I will talk with close friends, but those brief talks aren’t enough. There are greater depths in my psyche, the place where my internal screams echo eternally. Excuse the melodramatics, but that’s seriously what it’s like. I imagine it’s like that for many of us, but holy crap there are certain facets of my mind that only art and witchcraft can really tap into. Actually, witchcraft is another artistic vent for me. It is a craft after all.

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Any artistic vent is so empowering. I’m just gushing with gratefulness right now because many of us have this horrible, nasty habit of expecting the people who cross our paths to engage with our internal chaos and bring order, but how the hell can they when they have their own chaos to conquer, let alone their own lives? It’s so tough being told you’re not alone and that support is around you, but when reality hits, you have to face your chaos alone. The support may or may not be absent because it’s up to you to face it. GAH! Change! Change triggers my chaos and it’s so thrilling. I freaking posted this on Instagram today and this whole day I’ve been trying to take my own advice.

So perhaps what I’m struggling with, what’s fueling the chaos, is letting go of all this brain training that convinces me that change is something to fear and be intimidated by and if you’re not ready for what’s to come it is utterly and completely your fault. Nope. There’s nothing and no one to blame. Change is a powerful, constant force, but so am I. I need to chose to use my power, adapt, grow, transform, etc. and, simultaneously, learn to surrender.

Okay. Had to get that out. Thanks for reading. Learn tarot. It’s great.

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I’ve received a pretty good response to some of my Literary Terms 101 posts and it hit me that those types of posts deserve their own blog. Additionally, I want to create a blog of metaphysical and occult terms that I’ll be using in my novel, but sort of make it into a blog/glossary (bloglossary? No…no that doesn’t work.) I want to do this so my main blog won’t be so cluttered, but I also like providing information that’s just easy to reference when needed (for myself and others). I’ll do my best to make this as user friendly as possible. Honestly, this may require yet another website theme change lol.

Stay tuned. I’ll announce when they’re finished.

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It was the first time I ever laughed when asked what I was doing with my life. Usually social anxiety and hypothetical fears sweep in, but I just wasn’t in such a vulnerable state where I was going to allow myself to be crippled again. It was marvelous, a joyful success. My response in the mix of my laughter was “I don’t know.” That response often makes those who care for you uncomfortable or worried that you’re losing a sense of reality. Just because I don’t know what’s ahead doesn’t mean I’m aimless. I am a very passionate, determined, and disciplined person who is sincerely on the path of abandoning temporary validation. Validation from myself is most important right now.

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I’m not necessarily implying that it’s wise to disregard the advice and concern of others. Rather, I’m asserting that I’m more grounded and mindful than I was previously and I certainly can’t help but be proud of that. My mind is this creative jungle and none of the animals residing there are tamed. You can’t explain how much fun hanging out in that jungle is to people who go out of their way to ignore what their mind and inner self is trying to tell them. All the creative projects I have in mind and every moment of effort I put into bringing them into reality makes me feel so very alive. So very free. What people don’t understand is that it’s a process, a joyful one, but a process nonetheless. Why would I dabble with this when it’s more convenient to get a job that brings more immediate income and thereafter more stability? Well, it’s not like a job is completely out of the question for me. What I am doing right now, even writing this post, every page of my novel, every song I want to sing or write, every time my paintbrush hits paper, IS my job. Every project is my professional stride and while I work on these projects as top priority, I don’t mind having another job on the side that provides income, well, I see it more like funding, for my first job. Right now, that’s what I’m doing. It’s not an elaborate plan with milestones or scheduled goals. I love it so much.

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Also, being in this state of freedom doesn’t lack organization either. I have a general deadline for finishing the first draft of my novel and sometimes for other projects, but I’m my own boss. There’s a flexibility I’ve learned to grant myself without diminishing my discipline. I will compensate for missed time. I will work overtime somedays. I will also give myself a goddamn break when I’m overloaded. My creative work is inspiring me to fall in love with myself in a humbling way, where I’m acknowledging my strengths and weaknesses, constantly evaluating my capabilities, adapting my working process so the ultimate goal of sharing my accomplished work is done. Love towards myself has inspired this and it’s more efficient than harsh perfectionism and self-criticism ever was. It’s funny looking back on those perfectionist times and recalling how praised I was for that. Here I am doing the opposite where I have such a greater integrity towards my sense of self, but since there’s little understanding of which direction that’s going due to its ambiguity, there’s uncertain support most times. I shouldn’t forget, however, that there’s surmountable support from the universe as well. Waking up often leads to leaving the sleepers to their dreams or nightmares with the hope we’ll all walk together eventually.

I’m not taking any of this experience where I’m coming into my own, loving my life, and being proud of my accomplishments in any haughty way whatsoever. I had to write today because I am filled with a joyful, but fierce respect for my life. I am grounded, but my head is also in the clouds. I am focused, but also enjoying the thrill of imaginative wonder. I’m a walking paradox harmonizing with what and who I’m in love with.

I am.

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Hate love.
Love hate.

This was once an old mantra of mine during my emo-tastic teenage years. It came about from heartache and trying to process why some people liked you and some people didn’t or why some people stayed and some people gladly left. It was incredibly hard for me to find my tribe when I was younger and the loneliness warped my view on the purpose of relationships. It’s still hard to find my tribe now, but I’m grateful for who I have in my social circle today. Without the experience of exploring your similarities and differences with others, you’ll have a more difficult time understanding yourself. The world is a mirror. Love and hatred are also mirrors. There were many I hated because I loved them so much and my love for hatred fueled me to get through many events. It was the fire that kept me warm when no one else would. Looking back at it now, it’s a poor justification for resentment, but it was also one of the few coping mechanisms I had. It’s no wonder I take a liking to the revenge story. Self-destructive, bittersweet, but still satisfying in some way (nerd confession: this is why Anakin/Darth Vader was one of my favorite characters back then and why Episode Three is still enjoyable).

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However, the old mantra has more cons than pros now that I’ve grown. Sometimes rage still seems like the best defense against the untrustworthy, but there are healthier ways to set boundaries. I’ll leave my vengeful pleasures for my art to enjoy.

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