So being self-employed means wearing so many hats and I’m still trying to get the hang of all that I need to do and all that I want to do… but I’m happy doing it. I really miss sharing my music though. It’s just taking so much time…
My cover song hit a bit of a snag but that’s okay. I think I’ll be able to finish my next poetry reading soon. I miss releasing music so much. When my depression reached its peak in 2016 and swallowed me whole, I missed making music the most. Unfortunately, I self-destructed and deleted everything I posted in the past. It was just silly cover songs from anime, video games, and other shows I liked. Honestly, I might bring some of them back because they were building into something for me and I’m sad that I sabotaged the opportunity to see what it could have been.
I won’t give up this time around.
I hope you’re doing well. If you’re a creative like me, you better not give up either.
I got to travel out of town after months of staying in my home and it was so, so, so fantastic! Experiences with friends and observing different spaces inspired me so much. This pandemic…this year, really, has been depriving us from certain things one way or another, hasn’t it? I’m grateful for those of us who prioritize safety and care for others during this time because that will bring us all a step closer to experiencing the world in person again. I’m also grateful for the interconnectedness the internet gives us too, but virtual reality is not reality. Many of us are past expecting things to “go back to normal”, accepting that new cycles come and old ways pass on. The changes have been difficult to adapt to, but I must agree that the “new normal” is making so many of us embrace being more realistic, pragmatic, and open. We’re letting go of expectation and convenience to enhance our autonomy even when it challenges the status quo or makes closed-minded people erupt over what and who they can’t control.
We are learning the difference between being confident and being self-righteous. We are learning the difference between having conviction and being entitled. We are learning to be authentically bold rather than complacent or compliant. It’s a necessary development full of loss, heartache, and separation. As you pursue your truth, you will let go of what is false to you and lose far more than you expected or ever wanted. It’s amazing how expensive developing the true self is.
There was so much to take care of this week and the weekend was nothing but studying and organizing things for work. I’m exhausted, but I feel very grounded and fulfilled. Sunday’s are my rest days, so I’ll be fine by tomorrow.
The time I’ve taken to organize things for Authentikei has made it easier for me to produce more content between my studies, but organization doesn’t mean I have to be super rigid with myself. Still disciplined but…you know, I’m not going to beat myself up over missing some things. Just adapt and move forward. If you’re a perfectionist or a fan of dark academia (they go hand-in-hand really), you understand how hard it is to just “adapt”. I don’t know if I’m just an academia snob or a psycho perfectionist, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m harshly critiquing the curriculum of my professors. Maybe it’s projection, but I’m pretty sure I know the difference between a class that just wants you to memorize everything versus a class that wants to apply what you’ve learned. No, it’s not because I’m doing poorly in the classes. I’m not doing bad at all and I’m absolutely in love with the content of all of my classes. I can’t wait to share how they’ve inspired me to do more psychoanalytic literary criticisms. In due time, I guess.
Anyway, I’m sorry my blog posts have been few and far between, but I am semi-active social media wise and look forward to sharing my poetry readings and more. I hope you all are doing well and staying safe and empowered.
The delusions surrounding are endless. Layer after layer of “I have to do this” and “I need to do that” when it’s all really a choice in the end, my choice.
To recalibrate, I remind myself that it’s not about what I should or have or need to do, but what I want to do. Responsibility is only efficient if you’re working towards an achievement you genuinely desire.
All I want is to be, to speak, be heard, to create, be seen. That only requires a gentle and persistent attentiveness to the soul.
Over this exhausting week, I took moments to praise past creations I was hesitant to share. I’ve decided to follow through with exposing them again, rekindling my music and my poetry.
The research for my dark fantasy novel series has led to a nonfiction book idea actually. It was unexpected, but I think it was a necessary concept that can be manifested into a kind of “guide for creative spirits” thing. All things in time though.
Self-trust and being grounded is so important for me right now. I want to share how refocusing on those two things over and over again is such an excellent anchor that we tend to let go of when distractions occur. I recently listened to the podcast What in the Wyrd by Kelley Harrell, which is basically about life lessons we can attain from the elder futhark aka the Nordic runes used for divination and other magical uses. The most recent episode discussed accountability and soul tending relating to the rune thurisaz, which is all about how there are many types of powers that want to survive. Depending on the power, the extent at which we try to keep that power alive can be out of desperation or integrity or whatever. That also depends on how efficient our soul tending is. Going back to my point, self-trust and being grounded keeps one’s inner power alive and burning, but sometimes us creatives forget that.
I write, I create, and I am because I’m aspiring to stop straying away from myself and forgetting my power to the point that it ends up dying. I don’t want to go back there. Never again.
During the break I give myself between studying psychology and working on my creative projects, I was reflecting on how much freedom I’m currently blessed with. My last post was about how perfectionism was haunting me and helping me again, and that felt good to share because it’s a matter of health that isn’t paid much attention to. It can be a very terrifying form of entrapment, especially because it’s an illusion. But today? There’s just freedom. I can breathe between my studies and my work without rushing to satisfy someone else’s schedule. I can alter my calendar and make plans for my study sessions without forcing myself to cram information or blow something off and hope luck will be on my side. There’s flexibility now and adaptability married with my responsibilities. I know the starving artist life doesn’t appeal to many and is often ridiculed if you’re not rich and famous. Who cares? I wish everyone could live a life without the starving and with more of the mindfulness and calm that comes with the artist mentality. The idealist, INFP that I am wishes more people could live the life they want and abandon the life others try to push upon them. We are capable of so much awesomeness when we aren’t forced to ignore the beauty around us. We’re capable of even more when we’re gifted with clarity, seeing what is and isn’t working for us. That’s a practice we have to chose to adopt, I suppose. Not everyone is as privileged as I am in this moment, so I’ll do my best to never complain about it.
In this breath, I am so humbled and light.
For what it’s worth, I hope you are well. It will get better.
The page that was once “Stand Up – BLM/LGBTQ+” is now No Justice, No Peace, which provides resources, volunteer/donation opportunities, and more regarding the institutional and system prejudices being perpetuated in the USA. The page has been updated to include the Stop Asian Hate movement. I will soon be adding sources regarding how you can […]
I’ve decided to just be honest since I haven’t been posting much of anything the past two weeks. My mental health threw off my schedule again, which is a part of my lifestyle I have to accept. However, I am still working on multiple articles, my novel, a music project, and polishing my short story “Autonomy Bleeds Black”. It’s not the multiple projects that is overwhelming me, but other factors in my life. Unfortunately, I have lost some momentum because of it, but I am not lost.
Getting back on schedule will take time, but it’ll happen. All you can do is be patient with yourself.
On another note, there are still more disturbing things happening in the US and worldwide that’s affecting so many of us on multiple levels. Remember to ground yourself and accept what you can’t control. Accept the changes around you and the differences you have with others. Give yourself a moment, then remind yourself what you’re fighting or living for.
So, I dedicated this week to working on updates with my horror short “Autonomy Bleeds Black”, which is why I haven’t uploaded a VPD or blogged much of anything else this week. I knew I had to give the horror short some time to make sure my marketing is successful and that my dream of my short stories becoming movies becomes possible.
However, I miss the crap out of my novel! I’m going to work on it today and write a VPD as well as share my other ones. I guess this is the risk of having more than one writing project. Have you ever had this feeling though? Where you miss the world and characters you created? It’s gotten to the point where I have designed playlists for my characters with Spotify when I want to think about them (it’s very fun!). I honestly love this feeling and can’t wait to get back on track.
Also, I started the audiobook called Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. Have you read it? I absolutely love it so far. It’s definitely a must for artists of all types who need inspiration or encouragement, especially if you’re a poet.
Lately, I’ve been battling these intrusive thoughts I have about people. I think those of us with mild social anxiety tend to allow our personal realities orbit around the perceptions of others, even when we don’t agree with them. I guess I could even chalk that up to how I was raised. Even when you disagreed and expressed how you really feel, you’re shut down by your parent or some other authority figure, because that was the law. No voice. Just compliance. What a toxic trap to fall into and get comfortable with.
Today, there are so many of my opinions and views I keep to myself especially around family, but I challenge myself to be more outspoken around friends and on my art platform of course because it’s out of my comfort zone not just to speak up, but to also be heard. What words I know would fall on deaf ears in my family or in other social circles I save to scream through a poem, song, essay, research article, digital painting, and more. Being so determined to be heard is so out of my comfort zone, as well as listening to others who resonate on the same mental and emotional wavelength as me. The more I’ve done this, the less I’m worried about being “found out” by the family or whoever else has nothing better to do than be judgmental of my non-conforming essence. Leaving the toxic comfort zone I grew up in has made it easier to breathe.
As an American witnessing many different viewpoints and influences rise in this country, revolutionary and otherwise, it’s now more important than ever to know where you stand, not necessarily to feed into the “us vs. them” dynamic, but to establish a sense of self as many different types of influences try to wash over us like a tidal wave. Stand tall in your truth and live it.
Hello, I hope you all are well. I’m finally getting back into a good working groove again for my art projects and my novel, which reminded me about how much I miss blogging about my progress/research. Starting with the progress with my novel series, what really helped was using a cork board and sticky notes […]
Doing some research on Russian and Slavic witchcraft led me to this wonderful and informative podcast by Magick and Mediums. Just wanted to share and hope you enjoy. Also, I’m currently reading Natasha Helvin’s two books Slavic Witchcraft and Russian Black Magic.
I had some flooding in my place earlier this week and that required most of my attention. Meanwhile, I’ve received some positive feedback on my new astrology article “What To Expect During Each Retrograde” and I am so grateful.
Half of the day will be a catch up day for me, meaning more posts are coming. I hope all of you are staying healthy and making smart choices. Since my week was a bit stressful, the best thing I could do was take a step back for a few days and now I feel more rejuvenated.
Holding high standards for ourselves eventually lead to us saying somthing along the lines of, “I’m just not good enough.” I just wrote about that in my VPD. I’m so sick of those thoughts. They make me angry, not at myself, but I do go down memory lane and remember what led to me being this way towards myself and others sometimes.
Forgiveness is overrated and underrated. It’s the most bittersweet thing we can give ourselves and we can practice doing that more often by recognizing and accepting our flaws. Additionally, we can remember that accepting our flaws doesn’t mean our flaws define us entirely.
My VPD I’m posting on Vocal today is about transitioning from being a confident editor who’s really good at brainstorming to an anxious writer being too hard on themselves. I’m going to challenge myself today, and if you’d like to join me as a fellow perfectionist go ahead, to direct my inner critic solely on the story and not let it branch off into other territory such as my identity, intelligence, or anything else that’s personal. The goal with the second draft is to refine the story and just do my best as a hardworking and vulnerable writer. I treasure my vulnerability. I treasure my flaws. If I were talking to a friend, I wouldn’t want them to be down on themselves because of mistakes they made while working on their life’s passion. Recognizing areas that need improvement is better than being delusional. I’m going to trust myself to do better and be better without tearing myself down.