My week started out strong, then my sleep schedule messed me up. I ended up going silent yesterday without intending to. Lol, it happens. I have a lot of catching up to do, but that’ll be for tomorrow. You can catch up to my Violet Project Diaries (a diary tracking my novel progress and writing career) or check out some of my poetry on my Vocal.Media profile.
It’s been a good work day. I’ll release a new VPD tomorrow. I guess I wanted to just express what’s been on my mind lately. There’s been the comfort in stagnancy that I’ve been holding onto and it’s a side of me I don’t like. That side feels like an older version of myself that has such a lack of belief and lack of rationality when it comes to making choices. Like many, I have turned a blind eye on my own strength, but will tap into it for the sake of validation from others or creating this concept more founded in fantasy than logic that my life purpose will miraculously make sense.
Today, I’m proud of myself for noticing that there were times the realization of my own strength led to incredible accomplishments. I have a Masters in Liberal Studies with a concentration in Creative Writing when some guiding voices nudged me out of the Political Science courses and into the English courses as an undergrad. Through that journey I embraced my love for writing fiction, poetry, and essays. Now I’m reflecting again, those guiding voices being more metaphysical than in person this time, feeling the call to advance my gifts as a mystic into a tangible career. I was unsure about whether I wanted to really talk about this on here because there’s still so much to plan and prepare for, but this is Authentikei, right? I’m supposed to be authentic. I think I would make a great personality psychologist. I’ve come this far trusting in my psychic and intuitive abilities to guide me to write about metaphysics and literature, but I haven’t considered applying my abilities to psychology, which has been a love of mine for a very long time. I’m sort of aspiring to be like Carl Jung, who was not just a clinical psychologist, but also a lover of metaphysics, occultist, and mystic in his own right. Can’t I do that? Especially as a writer?
So yeah. That’s a thing. It’s a thing that feels very, very right to pursue. We’ll see what happens. This doesn’t mean I stop any of this. I have to write and working on my projects almost every day now or I’m just lost, but I definitely feel I have the capability to handle advancing my education and applying that achievement to my current career. What would you think of a personality psychologist who wrote dark fantasy and poetry, did literary analyses for fun, and researched metaphysical/occult topics? What kind of career would come out of that do you think?
It’s been a rough week, but I know many of us are feeling the worldwide tension waxing and waning everyday. I think many of the tensions stem from realization. The coronavirus itself shined a light on how well or how horribly our governing bodies take our welfare seriously. In addition to that, we’re reevaluating our relationships with others for the sake of sustaining our moral compass. We’re being bombarded with truth bombs. It’s a lot. Shattering even. I have artistic outlets that helped me cope with what’s going on, but now I’m becoming less concerned about coping and more focused on increasing my awareness and mindfulness.
This whole “my life is a lie” mentality has me thinking about how to pursue living a truthful life more aggressively. From the external sense, that comes down to educating ourselves, thinking more critically about cultures worldwide, and accepting what we do and don’t have control over. Many people have already taken steps towards that mindset, which is great. From the internal sense, addressing how life has lied to us is really bothering me and I think that’s because it makes me more aware of how powerless I was swimming in the lies and believing it was the truth. This is the kind of crap that fuels my trust issues and my raging sense of justice, but again, this internal exploration requires a greater understanding and accountability of the self, not for rage and fear to takeover.
I’ve learned many new things about myself this week alone, things that I never bothered to work through until it surfaced up during this emotional week. I love reflecting through divination, meditation, and the arts. Now I’m pushing myself to be more transparent with resources founded in psychological, historical, and scientific studies because that’s how I’ll best understand my mindset and my behaviors. I believe studying topics like the power of cultural influence, types of parenting, the habit of stereotyping or generalizing labeled groups, and historical power shifts with greater seriousness and then integrating those studies with a more personalized, yet open perspective will help us ground ourselves. There’s a kind of contagious obsession with associations, status, and reputation that’s falsifying our inner truths and discouraging us from authenticity. Personally, I feel like growing in a westernized society detached me from the concept of allowing myself to be nurtured as a human. Instead I feel sculpted and groomed to be a complacent member of a labeled group in an apathetic society and culture.
I feel like my life is a lie because the whole definition of being human and simply being was presented to me with the intent to control me. I don’t make that statement out of fear or paranoia, but out of acceptance. I want to be part of the flow of progression, encouraging the prioritization of people and planet. To be clear, I’m not going into save the world or save humanity mode because I’ve also accepted that there are people who thrive from the way society is now and they will make conscious choices to maintain their privileges. It would be self-destructive and toxic to continue to fight those people as it compromises my own welfare.
If you feel like your life has been a lie and these realizations about what’s around you and what’s within you is forcing you to evolve, don’t resist the progression. Chose mindfulness. Strive for more fulfilling moments. We can’t be lukewarm or apathetic about our life choices anymore.
Although I didn’t get the time to post a VPD on vocal today, I did a lot of writing and editing for my novel and it was really a blast. Tomorrow’s VPD will explain why.
I’m a little behind on promoting the VPDs on WordPress but you know you can always check in on what I’ve posted by going to my Vocal profile. I’ll have the other entries posted tomorrow. I hope they’re kind of interesting or helpful to read. The one I wrote today discussed cultural appropriation vs. respectfully researching another culture you’re not familiar with as an author and it was very enlightening.
There is a lot of fighting still happening in the United States. If you’re not from here, I’m sure the Black Lives Matter movement caught your attention and if you and your country participated in marches and protests for the cause, I thank you so much. Somedays, I get really upset about the violence and ignorance that is spreading and it’s even more upsetting when you have that radical thought to just leave, but learn that every country has its issues and even making the drastic move to live somewhere else doesn’t mean everything will be better. Frankly, the fight in me has been so damn weak because of my mental health, but I’ve had some very encouraging people, including you, encourage me not to give up on what I can do and how I can speak up. As an African-American, there’s always going to be this strange lack of belonging to me. I’ll always feel “not American enough” and “not African enough” simultaneously, which puts me in this strange limbo of identity and origin. The silver lining is that I have the complete power to sculpt my identity since that goes beyond my skin color (Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE my skin color and no one will take that away from me).
I still witness and feel the tension, anger, and power coming from my African-American brothers, sisters, and nonbinary siblings. I have so much gratitude and so much inspiration. The ways that I can speak up and leave my mark may be limited, but as a writer, as a creator, I’m limitless. We’re limitless. Keep creating, keep speaking up, keep your dignity, keep your pride, keep loving who you are.
I think this is a common thing to happen to most writers. You get to that weird middle ground of your novel and wonder if any of it is even worth it. For me, I was worried about my poor habit of overthinking. In my Violet Project Diaries on Vocal, I mentioned that I had to delete some characters and parts of my novel because it was “too meta”. Although I do want my work to be thought provoking, I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to hard or that I bit off more than I can chew. I’m trying to stay humble during this process, but I took a step past humility and wandered into hopelessness. It was tempting to just let it all go and figure out what I “really” wanted in life, but… I mean come on, I’ve spent over 2 years on this thing. Even though I have been thinking critically about the audience’s reception to my work, I’m not going to just drop it because I can’t figure out EXACTLY how audiences want their story told.
The last diary entry got to me. I was going in circles about the concept of karma and trying to figure out why we connect to that concept in storytelling. I was unsure if I was writing my story “correctly” regarding the karmic justice thing, but I already know I won’t know if it’s working or not unless I finish it to the best of my ability and then get it out there.
Writing the second draft has been one hell of a ride, but I’m not giving up. Please check out my Violet Project Diaries on Vocal where I discuss my workflow and the writing resources I stumble across. I’m trying to post as much as possible throughout the week.
My week started out strong, then my sleep schedule messed me up. I ended up going silent yesterday without intending to. Lol, it happens. I have a lot of catching up to do, but that’ll be for tomorrow. You can catch up to my Violet Project Diaries (a diary tracking my novel progress and writing … Continue reading I Had an Off Week – [Just Me]
Karma is more about understanding your habits and inner truth than it is fearing the consequences of every action. We catch ourselves doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, and then being disappointment. Understanding ourselves helps us ween off the subconscious need for codependency and reinforce the beneficial truth of interdependency.
For me, I have the habit of using defensiveness as a guard against being abandoned, rejected, and exploited because it has happened many times in this life and my past ones. However, that desire to guard is a codependent mechanism in itself. I defined myself by the approval and disapproval of others rather than be my true self and let those who come and go do as such. I think even as a writer, putting out my work and having to wait for approval or disapproval still gets to me, but that fear is only temporary. My karmic tarot reading echoed that today. When you’re under the rule of authoritarian guardians or an oppressive culture, questioning your own worth comes naturally, I think. So it feels very foreign to just be. It feels almost “illegal” to be who you are.
There’s a karmic pattern the oppressors need to recognize as well, but that’s not my responsibility. I need to focus on just being me, even if I express some things that will make the oppressive, authoritarian types lose their s**t. Not gonna lie, that’s certainly the motivation between “Autonomy Bleeds Black”.
I think yesterday was a very productive day for me, but once the sun went down I ended up with a spider in my bed, weird ass dreams, came across strange messages in YouTube videos, and woke up in the middle of the night for no reason other than for the bathroom.
I don’t know. I’m a bit off, but the novel writing/editing must continue!
I also have been rereading my horror short and it’s so… Ha! Well it needs some tweaking. I will forever be proud of the fact that I followed through with the completion of “Autonomy Bleeds Black” and I haven’t received any critique on it yet, but as my own advocate, I see the changes that need to be made for the sake of fluidity and maintaining the immersion. I hope to get feedback from other people via Amazon or wherever eventually.
Also, why are so many people coming to my blog post Chnoubis and Gnosticism? It see so many visitors go there. I know there’s also a band name called Chnoubis, so maybe that’s why.
I guess it’s natural to feel nervous when things change. To be unnatural and resist how you really feel? That’s where things get tough. Facing your inner truth can be just as overwhelming as the truth in your environment. Go with the flow, but be real.
This isn’t necessarily because of the recent turmoil that has happened in the US for the last several years, although these years definitely encouraged me to leave whenever I can, but this feeling is what I’ve wanted since I was a child.
Traveling has always been exciting to me. I don’t want to travel as some tourist, however. I want a real adventure that dives into the histories of the world. Basically, I want to be Lara Croft or Indiana Jones lol but hopefully without the action-packed fight scenes (my reflexes just aren’t that good). Fortunately I had the privilege to travel a lot within America, but even more privileged to visit Japan, South Korea, France, and Spain. All of my trips were wonderful and I guess I’m really craving more.
I’ve been discouraged by the American parochialism, or rather trapped inside of it. America is going through incredible changes right now, which is going to require many of us to change whether we like or not. That’s why I think it’s important to travel so you’re not stuck within the boundaries of a stagnant philosophy or a belief system that doesn’t align with your truth. Being immersed in one culture for too long can cement you in an unproductive state of mind. I’m determined to not let that happened.
I’d rather learn from a spectrum of philosophies than drown in one. Really all I want to experience and an expansiveness of my consciousness. I am an artist and I need experience to create. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m starved for adventure. I need it to understand the purpose of my creations because ultimately, I’m the one who decides what my purpose is right?