Sorrow Inspires

Another long day of being homebound was another day of unwanted realities sinking in. One after the other after the other. As those sunk, I sunk because that’s how my mental health rolls.

However, I did rise from the gravity of reality and did some drawing today that will soon become painting.

Sorrow inspired today and I’m a little higher than when I sank before.

Feel free to follow on Instagram to see previews of my artwork. I hope to sell someday…

This is Living – [Just Me]

People holding onto expectations in a changing world to the point where they break or submit to delusion is what makes me saddest about everything that’s going on and because I know what that’s like. I hope I’m getting better at staying in the present and trusting my adaptability and awareness, but naturally it wavers because life throws curve balls, quick jabs, and many other surprise attacks that land right in my gut. I’ve learned that in that wavering, that panic, that’s the exact moment you need to be more real with yourself and the situation. Reflection and revelation is so key here, but old habits are tempting, I know. Old coping mechanisms are tempting too. Usually what is “old” is the desire for that familiar sense of control. Change is paradoxically the opposite and the epitome of control. You realize things beyond your control and then do what you can to stabilize again. In the midst of that paradox, I think recognizing the paradox itself helps and may prevent us from the delusions of absolute powerlessness and absolutely control. This really isn’t the time to see in black and white. This is the time to realize and trust your multifaceted self and the multifaceted reality. It seems chaotic until it’s not.

For example, I posted earlier and even today on other platforms about the harmfulness of the racist/xenophobic actions and words, but I have accepted that there are people who will be apathetic to the hate or justify their reasons for doing what they want. I can’t control them, but I can set the boundary, I can stand up for what I believe in, I can block bitches whenever I want lol and I can adapt to the results of my choices. The people who do things that anger me do not have power over my character. Emotional responses to people and what they do are human. At the end of the day, they made choices, I respond to those choices with my own choices, then things happen. Reflection happens. We process the experience and we go on. That’s just life. So, even though I’m sad that some expectations are breeding false hope and pain, I know it’s a part of life and so they’re going to live their way and I’ll live mine.

Back on Schedule and Kafkaesque Inspiration – [Just Me]

Hello all,

I had some mental health issues and a cold to deal with last week, so I disappeared. I’m a lot better now and am ready to get back on track. Being in bed gave me time to think about how to publish my upcoming short story. Self-publishing looks like the way to go considering it’s too long to submit to most magazines and too short for any publishing house to consider. I’ll let you know what platforms the story will be published on, Kindle Direct Publishing being a definite one.

It was aggravating having a cold while wanting to write and edit the story so badly. It means so much to me. I took the Kafkaesque approach in a more personal direction where I reflected more on Kafka’s life and my own life rather than focusing on the Kafkaesque genre as it’s known (but it still has the basic elements). That’s why I’ve been so enthusiastic about having it be my first published story. It will open the door to another new project where more music will finally be released.

There’s been a lot of chaos in the world, some of it warrants panic and some of it doesn’t. Art and the forced solitude without art kept me grounded in a strange way. I hope the rest of you stay grounded too. What I love about Kafka the most is his ability to make some sense of the bizarre, even though he’d often conclude to a state of powerlessness, the surrender to that revelation ironically empowered him as a writer. When chaotic or bizarre situations consume us and our environments, we often want to anchor ourselves in a place of control so we can stand our ground and brace the storm, but some of us get carried away by the momentum of the situation and we interpret that as a failure way too often. Change happens. Chaos is constant. Sometimes you have to go with the flow to relearn how to stand your ground. Change is just experience, not a complete loss of power, but of course, there’s still loss.

As someone who struggles with mental health almost constantly, I promise you I’m not trying to make this sound easy.

Be well and wash your hands. My heart goes out to all who are dealing with changes beyond their control.

Don’t be too rigid with yourself

This is more for me than it is for any readers lol but like everyone else, I fixate on a system or strategy to get what I want in life. The last thing life will be is orderly. Humanity kind of obsesses over order to have a sense of control and I’m not saying some order isn’t helpful, but everyone has their own unique preference for what order they need and what chaos or flexibility they need in certain situations. The factors to consider are endless, really.

I do need more organization in some situations for sure, but when it comes to my art, I have a natural feel for what needs order and what needs openness. For example, I’m very methodical with my novel, but definitely more lenient, almost random, with drawing and music. I have to mix up my working method with these things all the time to get a decent flow. Essentially, that’s the flow I think we all want in our lives. For things to feel natural rather than forced.

That’s all I had to say. Hope you all are having a good day.

Preparing for a Transition

Even though I work another part-time job at the moment, I’m preparing for a schedule change where writing and creating will be my priority again. Authentikei was started due to wanting to become a novelist. I’m already a writer, musician, and artist who is finally seizing the time and courage needed to get my work out there. Building my career isn’t just about making money my bitch and defying certain social norms (haha), but also finding a community where we can have great discourse about our personal philosophies and truths along with enjoying art and life in general. If I want my work to stand for anything, it should be clear in the name: authenticity.

Thank you for your patience. Really wanted to touch base and I hope you’ll like what’s planned in the future. All the work I have announced has not been forgotten. In fact, it’s all coming together very nicely. I’ll have some new articles coming out too, by the way. Thank you for the support. Make sure you take care of yourselves.

Lastly, to my fellow Americans, please be respectful of Native American cultures during this time. You know exactly why we should be.

The Hunger

Closer and closer to realizing my dreams as reality. Today is 11/11, a really special day with a very inspiring energy. I’m ravenous for creation, determined to publish and distribute my work. I truly feel like I’m finally going in the right direction and simultaneously knowing that going any direction will benefit me somehow.

This is a just a special time. Manifestation isn’t a joke or a fancy way of playing pretend and hoping all your dreams come true in a blink. It requires patience and emotional fortitude along with a strong belief in your developing work. To me, it’s a hunger and I am no longer starving. I am providing for myself each passing day.

I had a rough night, but such a peaceful morning because I remembered that I’m free to live how I want thanks to this hunger and the development of my own self-trust.

Rage Writing

Rage writing is when something angers you so much, you grab the writing method closest to you and start creating a story based on the event that you’re pissed at.

It’s good fun, yes, but I find it most fulfilling when I reread what I’ve created and reflected upon the theme later. The reflection makes the ending and details in between very clear and solidifies the theme.

Rage writing is also a great way to make sure you write more frequently, have a healthy outlet for your emotion, and process that anger. I’m not saying you’ll turn out being a better person than you were before or that you should try to write a happy ending to your rage-written story; but I am saying, at least for myself, that this is a satisfactory method of expression and it’s going to feel damn good to publish it in time.