A while ago I ran into a Tumblr post about “grind culture” describing how there are people who are perfectionistic in regards to how they should be working, studying, living, and that reminded me of my fellow fans of the dark academia aesthetic and the studyblr tag. Here is the post:

I talk about perfectionism a bit whether I’m blogging or writing an article and it’s because it’s something that empowers me and haunts me. Although I’m so incredibly excited to be working on my psychology degree and in love with the course material so far, I had a meltdown over a quiz that I failed. I cried and panicked for nearly an hour and had to spend another hour calming myself down. In hindsight, I felt ridiculous, but more than anything I felt powerless. The perfectionism in me has developed into something that makes my mood swings and anxiety incredibly difficult to control. Therapy helped, but the feeling of shame took more time to work through.

I go through this as a writer too. What I was really worried about after my meltdown was my inability to handle something as small as a failed quiz leading to my inability to brace for subjective opinions about my work and career path. It was all revolving around a small failure that was hypothetically turning into a gargantuan failure. So after meditating on this, I came to the quick conclusion that first off, I was so tired of being this mean to myself; I truly do love myself so being unnecessarily harsh feels like a regression in my pursuit for better emotional and mental health. Then, I decided to challenge my view on what a “failure” is. At my core, I believed failure means shame and punishment. To challenge this core belief, I switched from calling my failures into mistakes. Failure can have a crassness to it, but “mistake” reminded me of the classic term “learn from your mistakes”. After that, I could look back at the quiz as a lesson about my mistakes.

What I learned was incredibly helpful. I took notice my anxiety levels while studying and doing any exercise, quiz, or whatever that “tests” me. I learned that instead of expecting perfectionism, I could strive for excellence, which to me requires an open and teachable mind that enjoys the process of self-improvement (You know, the whole “it’s the journey, not the destination” thing). I balance this out by thinking about my health logically. For excellence to happen, my brain needs rest, my body needs care, and my soul needs joyful reminders of my ambitions and aspirations. Although I did make sure to follow a schedule so the workload each day wasn’t more stressful than it already was, I didn’t take myself to the rigidity of grind culture I used partake in a long time ago in a elementary charter school far, far away almost until grad school. Knowing my personality, I’m already in that frame of mind where I want and will do my best. There’s absolutely no need for me to make my perfectionism into a monster, when its brought me so far and polished my work ethic. The most important lesson from that silly quiz was… don’t take the quiz if you’re panicking about the time limit more than the material. Lol.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. Now that I have a decent routine with my psych classes, I can return to my writing routine. I am so glad my structure has returned and is solid enough to try new things.

Have a good one.

Learning to be more mindful about the areas in my life that need rest is still a fairly new experience. Do you still have that “daily grind” mentality, where you must work hard whenever your workdays are and ignore yourself anytime your mind, body, or spirit is screaming “I NEED A BREAK!!” ? It’s important to have discipline in life, but I think too many of us think discipline means working hard without recognizing what you need. The labor laws of our society shouldn’t dictate how much rest we deserve; we should be deciding that.

Then again, some of us feel guilty when we’re resting for too long. I get antsy and restless every time I don’t write on my blog, give myself a break from the novel, or take a step back from an article. To me, that means I’m lacking mindfulness when it comes to rest. My brain needs time to rest so I can write again. My soul needs peace so I’ll be inspired to write. My body needs rest even if I am sitting at my desk or in my bed a good part of the day. All of our needs in the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual sense deserve a moment of rejuvenation. I know some of us may give ourselves a day or two of rest and still feel like we didn’t get enough. All the more reason to see the day you scheduled as the rest day as a practice. It takes time to learn what exactly you need to help give your mind, body, and soul an energetic reset.

These sources can help you get started:

  • If you’re an empath or hypersensitive person, read this article to learn about grounding techniques that help prevent breakdowns.
  • If you’d like help thinking about how you can cleanse your living space and empower yourself, read this article.
  • If you struggle to see what you have in life that could possibly make your situation better when there’s so much you don’t have, read this article.

I just wanted to share this video from the YouTube Channel The School of Life. It’s called “5 Ways to Spot Emotional Immaturity” and I cant express how important that is during these changing times where we’re finally facing what is and isn’t important in our lives. Keep emotionally immature people out of the conversation.

If you’re one of those people who says, “I’m fine,” rather than expressing how you really feel when someone asks “What’s wrong?” odds are you were raised to tolerate emotional negligence and shamed or guilt tripped for expressing your true feelings because your parents didn’t want to deal with you. I’m just saying, we’re all flawed. If certain people in your life have chosen to neglect your feelings (especially family), be responsible for your feelings: set boundaries, talk to someone who cares, vent in a healthy way, deescalate, ground yourself, and most importantly, DO NOT criticize yourself for being human. The way others treat you does not define your worth, but your emotions are still your responsibility.

I’ve said “I’m fine” too many times. Even to myself, by myself. Many of those were a lie. No more lying for the convenience of others or lying to ourselves. No more.

In the past, I have burdened myself with future outcomes, whether they’re hypothetical or have a high probability of happening and this has only brought distress in my life. It became so apparent that I think like this that other people exploited it to have me do what they wanted rather than have my best interest at heart. It’s heartbreaking to me how competitive our society can be. It’s admirable to have resilience and enough self-control to reach achievements and all, but it should be pointed out more often that our need for validation from others or the things we have is basically asking them to manhandle us with puppet strings. What’s even worse is that this kind of behavior is reinforced constantly, encouraging us to let shallow outsiders or materialistic means determine our worth.

Read the rest of the article here…

Image source: pixpoetry on Unsplash

by Hannah Xu on Unsplash

Being an empath isn’t unique, but it seems we’re few and far between being surrounded by people who are taught to suppress their true feelings. We treasure the freedom of sensing the truth, listening to our intuition, and just knowing. It’s really awesome, but depending on our personality, this ability can become a burden leading to a mental breakdown and worse.

I believe there are four key things an empath or hypersensitive personality needs to learn to prevent a mental breakdown in the works. Some of us develop personality disorders, mood disorders, and the like because we weren’t taught how to handle an overstimulation of the senses. I’m hoping after you read this, you’ll realize that not only are you not alone, but that there’s also hope.

Read on…

or read about why empaths have psychic potential

People holding onto expectations in a changing world to the point where they break or submit to delusion is what makes me saddest about everything that’s going on and because I know what that’s like. I hope I’m getting better at staying in the present and trusting my adaptability and awareness, but naturally it wavers because life throws curve balls, quick jabs, and many other surprise attacks that land right in my gut. I’ve learned that in that wavering, that panic, that’s the exact moment you need to be more real with yourself and the situation. Reflection and revelation is so key here, but old habits are tempting, I know. Old coping mechanisms are tempting too. Usually what is “old” is the desire for that familiar sense of control. Change is paradoxically the opposite and the epitome of control. You realize things beyond your control and then do what you can to stabilize again. In the midst of that paradox, I think recognizing the paradox itself helps and may prevent us from the delusions of absolute powerlessness and absolutely control. This really isn’t the time to see in black and white. This is the time to realize and trust your multifaceted self and the multifaceted reality. It seems chaotic until it’s not.

For example, I posted earlier and even today on other platforms about the harmfulness of the racist/xenophobic actions and words, but I have accepted that there are people who will be apathetic to the hate or justify their reasons for doing what they want. I can’t control them, but I can set the boundary, I can stand up for what I believe in, I can block bitches whenever I want lol and I can adapt to the results of my choices. The people who do things that anger me do not have power over my character. Emotional responses to people and what they do are human. At the end of the day, they made choices, I respond to those choices with my own choices, then things happen. Reflection happens. We process the experience and we go on. That’s just life. So, even though I’m sad that some expectations are breeding false hope and pain, I know it’s a part of life and so they’re going to live their way and I’ll live mine.

Hello all,

I had some mental health issues and a cold to deal with last week, so I disappeared. I’m a lot better now and am ready to get back on track. Being in bed gave me time to think about how to publish my upcoming short story. Self-publishing looks like the way to go considering it’s too long to submit to most magazines and too short for any publishing house to consider. I’ll let you know what platforms the story will be published on, Kindle Direct Publishing being a definite one.

It was aggravating having a cold while wanting to write and edit the story so badly. It means so much to me. I took the Kafkaesque approach in a more personal direction where I reflected more on Kafka’s life and my own life rather than focusing on the Kafkaesque genre as it’s known (but it still has the basic elements). That’s why I’ve been so enthusiastic about having it be my first published story. It will open the door to another new project where more music will finally be released.

There’s been a lot of chaos in the world, some of it warrants panic and some of it doesn’t. Art and the forced solitude without art kept me grounded in a strange way. I hope the rest of you stay grounded too. What I love about Kafka the most is his ability to make some sense of the bizarre, even though he’d often conclude to a state of powerlessness, the surrender to that revelation ironically empowered him as a writer. When chaotic or bizarre situations consume us and our environments, we often want to anchor ourselves in a place of control so we can stand our ground and brace the storm, but some of us get carried away by the momentum of the situation and we interpret that as a failure way too often. Change happens. Chaos is constant. Sometimes you have to go with the flow to relearn how to stand your ground. Change is just experience, not a complete loss of power, but of course, there’s still loss.

As someone who struggles with mental health almost constantly, I promise you I’m not trying to make this sound easy.

Be well and wash your hands. My heart goes out to all who are dealing with changes beyond their control.

So the term “empath” has been overused lately and I’m worried it’s starting to lose its significance due to how desensitized people are to emotion and showing sympathy towards others. Sympathy and empathy are not exactly the same, but are closely related. In addition, those who are skeptical about the power of emotion elevating to a psychic level have flagged the term “empath” as another way to con people with phenomena we can’t explain yet. However, there are empaths who experience the emotions of others so strongly that it does elevate to physical pain. It’s not at all the same as being offended or “being too emotional”, even though empaths are known for their heightened sensitivity.

I wrote about how all empaths have the potential for psychic empowerment for the sake of informing other empaths who either want to explore the psychic avenue or start finding ways to ground themselves. Whether they want to believe in psychic abilities or not, skepticism will not encourage an empath to understand what’s happening to them. In fact, they’ll just feel more ostracized and be ridiculed for “trying to be special”.

Being an empath has helped me with so many creative projects and build better relationships. I certainly don’t see myself as special, superior, or victimized by my nature. Empathic abilities show how vulnerability is power and I simply don’t want us to forget that. Please read my article if you’re a fellow empath that needs some advice or would like to just feel less alone. All we can do is be who we are.

I really hate it when I disappear for a week or so at a time and I am sorry for that. It really comes down to the way my energy has been distributed. The part-time job (which really is a measely 4-5 hours 3 times a week) drains me. And it’s not necessarily the job itself, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a high sensitivity to how and where I give my energy. I find it’s very similar to how introverts are drained by people and extroverts are drained by loneliness, but for me it’s being drained combined with a lack of fulfillment.

Yesterday, I gave myself a rest day. I decided to read more of The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova and came across a passage that reminded me of the major arcana “The World” in tarot, which then led to an idea about my own novel and that led to a quick study into Christian gnosticism, which then inspired a backstory for my antagonist and protragonist. I could spend an entire day diving into literature, history, religion, philosophy, and any other river of knowledge because it literally quenches the thirst I need for feeling fulfilled.

As I wrote on my tumblr, this is all I am. I consider my “art” basically anything I write, compose, sing, draw, or any creative project I get into. Everything else is self-explanatory. I can’t handle being caged in like it seems at the moment. But I’m not caged. I have plenty of resources that I am and should be using to build the life I want (and really, it’s a life I already have; I’m just building upon it every day). Just need to take my own advice from my article, “The ‘Lack Mentality’ is Killing Us” :

“None of us like being inconsiderate with our resources or insensitive to those who are trying to support us, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. The lack mentality encourages the emptiness that no one asked for. It’s just there. One thing to remember is that the emptiness you struggle with developed over time. This means, decreasing that emptiness will happen over time…Stop expecting the resources and support given to provide instant gratification,”

Authentikei, 2018

So, each time I go to the part-time job and decide to work more and more hours there instead of trusting myself to provide my own income through my work, that emptiness expands a little more. The mental and emotional fatigue comes from feeling hollow and uninspired. I plan to change that and use every resource to do so. It will take patience, because it won’t be instant, but I’m so damn sure it’ll be worth it. Financial responsibility and dream building is a tough tug-of-war for many of us, but you certainly feel more alive when you let the dreams win. We forget sometimes that our dreams can manifest into a real lifestyle that monetizes itself.

For those who read and check up on me, thank you for the support. You’ll hear more of my work very, very soon.