It was the first time I ever laughed when asked what I was doing with my life. Usually social anxiety and hypothetical fears sweep in, but I just wasn’t in such a vulnerable state where I was going to allow myself to be crippled again. It was marvelous, a joyful success. My response in the mix of my laughter was “I don’t know.” That response often makes those who care for you uncomfortable or worried that you’re losing a sense of reality. Just because I don’t know what’s ahead doesn’t mean I’m aimless. I am a very passionate, determined, and disciplined person who is sincerely on the path of abandoning temporary validation. Validation from myself is most important right now.
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I’m not necessarily implying that it’s wise to disregard the advice and concern of others. Rather, I’m asserting that I’m more grounded and mindful than I was previously and I certainly can’t help but be proud of that. My mind is this creative jungle and none of the animals residing there are tamed. You can’t explain how much fun hanging out in that jungle is to people who go out of their way to ignore what their mind and inner self is trying to tell them. All the creative projects I have in mind and every moment of effort I put into bringing them into reality makes me feel so very alive. So very free. What people don’t understand is that it’s a process, a joyful one, but a process nonetheless. Why would I dabble with this when it’s more convenient to get a job that brings more immediate income and thereafter more stability? Well, it’s not like a job is completely out of the question for me. What I am doing right now, even writing this post, every page of my novel, every song I want to sing or write, every time my paintbrush hits paper, IS my job. Every project is my professional stride and while I work on these projects as top priority, I don’t mind having another job on the side that provides income, well, I see it more like funding, for my first job. Right now, that’s what I’m doing. It’s not an elaborate plan with milestones or scheduled goals. I love it so much.
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Also, being in this state of freedom doesn’t lack organization either. I have a general deadline for finishing the first draft of my novel and sometimes for other projects, but I’m my own boss. There’s a flexibility I’ve learned to grant myself without diminishing my discipline. I will compensate for missed time. I will work overtime somedays. I will also give myself a goddamn break when I’m overloaded. My creative work is inspiring me to fall in love with myself in a humbling way, where I’m acknowledging my strengths and weaknesses, constantly evaluating my capabilities, adapting my working process so the ultimate goal of sharing my accomplished work is done. Love towards myself has inspired this and it’s more efficient than harsh perfectionism and self-criticism ever was. It’s funny looking back on those perfectionist times and recalling how praised I was for that. Here I am doing the opposite where I have such a greater integrity towards my sense of self, but since there’s little understanding of which direction that’s going due to its ambiguity, there’s uncertain support most times. I shouldn’t forget, however, that there’s surmountable support from the universe as well. Waking up often leads to leaving the sleepers to their dreams or nightmares with the hope we’ll all walk together eventually.
I’m not taking any of this experience where I’m coming into my own, loving my life, and being proud of my accomplishments in any haughty way whatsoever. I had to write today because I am filled with a joyful, but fierce respect for my life. I am grounded, but my head is also in the clouds. I am focused, but also enjoying the thrill of imaginative wonder. I’m a walking paradox harmonizing with what and who I’m in love with.
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