“You are free and that is why you are lost.”

– Franz Kafka, “Letter to His Father”

I constantly sway back and forth between knowing who I am and what I want, then not knowing anything about myself at all. It’s like an automatic dissociation from the self and it leaves me ungrounded, floating. I often try to resist this lost feeling, but it’s such a frequent experience now and since many of my experiences often inspire wonderful art, I’m just going to let it happen now.

There is a loss and lack of meaning behind so many instances where I’m hyper aware of my absence in various populations…groups…social circles. For the longest time, this felt like a curse, like I was some sort of poison everyone was trying to avoid or when they did notice me, I was either scolded, shunned, or pushed to convert to what makes them feel comfortable. Why do they tell me how to feel? How to act? How to think? I can’t belong in places, no, I won’t belong in any place where everyone wants to be the same or where everyone wants to be unique and free, yet surrenders that power to one way of being. I feel like most societies develop a mutual and reciprocal respect for how we should live together, tolerate each other, but even in America, land of the free, there are sects of different societies that are determined to control one another not noticing they’re being controlled by higher powers…or perhaps they do know. Perhaps they’re just as aware as I am that the figures with the most power and influence have made themselves untouchable, so if you can’t beat them, join them and if you can’t join them, mimic them, pretend. What loss…

I was reviewing the aspects of Luciferian doctrine from a variety of left-hand sources. I do that when I feel lonely and lost; it’s such a lovely reminder that I’m not alone in the pursuit of enlightenment, enamored by the virtue of being the forever student because the mysteries of nature are so everlasting, that they will outlive us effortlessly. There’s something about accepting that that makes being a mystic honorable. Because I no longer bow to gods or people playing god nor dive too deeply in a doctrine or an influence simply because of its appeal (Luciferianism included), I have an intense, undying freedom, which I noticed repels anyone who has only wanted to blend in or belong. I do tend to romanticize solitude, but I don’t want to be cut off from experiences with others simply because they won’t find any need to include me in something. Even if I am included, whether ulterior motives are there or not, the experience inspires.

Who am I? Am I freedom or is that too simple? Am I ravenous for knowledge or does that set a very ambiguous precedent of my identity? (It’s not like I’m a walking computer.) “I’m an artist,” is closer. “I’m a creator,” is even closer. “I’m a mystic and creative spirit,” hits the nail on the head for me and will forever be too mysterious for others. Perhaps because I live in a world where individual souls are so desperate for belonging, I mimicked that as a learned behavior. I don’t think I want to belong to anyone or anything, at least according the standards of a society. I think my belongingness exists within myself and is transfixed with the reality of my existence, which I guess is as grounded as I’ll ever get.

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Took a step back. Grounded myself. Remembered how much art fuels me in every single way to live proudly.

Just wanted to say that…because sometimes I forget. I focus so much on the career and financial part of everything I am doing (because I’m determined to make a living off of being a writer/musician) and then I forget about just living my truth, the law of abundance, and all the other things involving manifestation.

Everything I do comes together and the results are in abundance and I’m happy I can share that with others.

My greatest challenge lately has been balancing emotion with logic and when it comes to creating anything, I always feel a bit out of balance. I’ll overthink the way I wrote something or sang something, then a split second later I hate it because what I created doesn’t feel right. I’ve been weighing the balance while creating content on this blog. All I’ve figured out so far is that I don’t want to be boxed in. I want, well, need to connect with others and for that to happen, I need to be transparent, vulnerable, and, as my artist name suggests, authentic.

So, I’ve decided I’m going to gradually exhibit more transparency. I want my blog/Instagram to be in the realm of “lifestyle” when it comes to my spiritual ventures, pagan philosophy, metaphysical wonderings, and the like, but I’m also someone who enjoys advising others and providing information, especially about writing. Being a freelance editor for about two years showed me how much I love helping people sharpen their work and have a better understanding of who they are, so I need to do the same for myself.

My content niche is artistry combined with spirituality. They have never been separated and, frankly, have never been categorized and I think that’s because there’s something about being a creative spirit where freedom is mandatory. If I box myself in, I’ll die. Call it melodramatic, but I can’t emphasize how much it sucks when I go into full-blown panic attacks over thinking about the hypothetical life of having a “steady” job, working from 9-5, eating shitty food because my job doesn’t give me enough time to have a decent meal, rushing to satisfy another person’s schedule, going to bed feeling empty because my job is emotionally unfulfilling, then waking up and doing that all over again. Other’s thrive in the steadiness of a job like that and that’s fine. It’s just not me. So perhaps the purpose of this blog and its content isn’t just to share my lifestyle with others and connect with those who follow the same path, but it’s also to help me take a deep breath and remember that following my intuition in the grand scheme of my overall wellness.

So, that’s who I am and that’s what my little sole-proprietor business shall be. It’s just me: a creative spirit and mystic.

(If anyone knows the original artist of the featured photo, please comment below so I can credit them. Thank you :) )

So, it hit me recently that I’m overburdening myself with expectations…again. I’ve been overthinking what it means to have a platform for your creative projects and it stresses me out when I compare myself to others or degrade the resources I already have that will help me achieve my goals. After a few deep breaths, I’ve realized that even though I’m extremely introverted and have a difficult time reaching out, I’m going to make sure I set aside time to show more of who I am and how my work has been going at the least on a monthly basis. It’s just…so hard sometimes to convince yourself that there is an audience out there for your work and even if they don’t know you personally, they may care. Actually, even the people who know me personally aren’t sure what I’m doing. I hide everything due to the great fear that no one will understand. Yet art isn’t just about understanding the artist. It’s about experiencing their own creative expression. Either you’ll harmonize with it or you won’t. That’s all it comes down to.

So, updates on me. First off, social media. I do have a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, and YouTube channel. (subscribe please?)

Second. I actually have a song released called “Storm Magick”. It’s not on streaming or download sites at the moment, but it is on my YouTube channel. I’ll have it back in stores momentarily.

One of my dreams is to create a soundtrack for my novel and this is one of the songs. I’ll definitely be releasing new original music, but I want to go back to covers like I did in the past. I learned so much about recording and mixing when I did covers and I know I can apply that experience to my originals. *crosses fingers*

Third, I’ve been messing around with acrylic paints and have had a lot of fun. It’s such a great outlet. I still plan to show sketches and character designs for my novel and I will share them on here as promised. That will mostly be digital work I do on Clip Studio Paint. Traditional painting, however, will be just for me.

Lastly, WordPress has been such a great platform that allows me to connect with other writers, artists, witches, pagans, mythology and history nerds, and more. It’s been a lot of fun, but I’m not as diligent as I am with other social media platforms. The monthly basis update I was talking about earlier will be dedicating myself to blogging and just expressing who I am for at least a solid week (starting today). It’s a challenge for myself really, but if I can connect with others as I try this out, that would be lovely and a real confidence booster.

I think that’s it for now. I have to admit that being so diligent with my artistic career, trying to build a lifestyle where I can pursue my passions without selling my soul to someone else in exchange for basic financial needs is very stressful. Am I grateful for where I am at right now? Most definitely. I have a lot of support and care. Persisting to attain the success I most desire is up to me though.

I can’t hide anymore.