Wow, I talk about perfectionism a lot don’t I? Lol, well that’s because it haunts the f**k out of me. I’m a very ambitious, but sensitive person. I have big ideas that turn into elaborate, yet overwhelming strategies, and have issues altering those strategies only because I get stuck in a strong spell of the I-have-to’s…It takes time for someone like me to practice simplicity. Over-complication doesn’t mean it’s more exemplary than what’s simple. Taking a big picture view on my projects helped with that. When I look at the general goals, I can root out the extraneous details I thought I needed. Maybe that’s common knowledge for most people, but I suck at it! Anti-perfection is another pursuit of mine that takes so much conscious effort. I know I can work well under pressure, but that doesn’t mean I have to work under the pressure of perfection, yet here I am! 

Have you been watching The Olympics? Can you relate to the olympians that beat themselves up for being second or third place? Can you relate to the olympians who perform wonderfully, but beat themselves up for not doing everything perfectly even though they’re on the track to winning gold? I can. It sucks. 

Are you in the dark academia fandom? Do you relate to taking on academic assignments with the concept that your grade defines your self-worth? Have you ever had a meltdown over failing a quiz or test that didn’t even carry the entire weight of your grade? I have. IT SUCKS. 

Now I’m here still struggling with seeing my projects as a process. Why can’t I just enjoy the journey? The relief and enjoyment truly comes when I keep things simple and push myself to be anti-perfection. I hope to the gods I can experience this relief more consistently… 

L. 

Read More

How Empaths and Hypersensitives Can Prevent Mental Breakdowns

6 Ways to Cleanse and Empower Yourself

The “Lack Mentality” Is Killing Us

First, I just want to say I’m really grateful for all the visitors I get on blog, who I’m noticing are mostly occult and metaphysics enthusiasts! I’m glad my posts have caught your attention and I hope they were helpful.

Second, there have been a lot of website changes. I’m trying to polish the platform so my future works will be better displayed. There was just too much clutter before, but hopefully the investments and changes I’ve made will bring clarity to my vision for Authentikei.

Thirdly, along with my psychology studies, I’ve been doing a lot of pagan and occult research that I hope to blog about soon, but when I’m not studying, I’m usually writing poetry, my novel, searching for aesthetic inspiration ravenously, or just…thinking about everything. I swear I’m going to make time for more blogging/article/ social media content very soon. In fact, I’ll share the writing sources I run into soon.

Lastly, I’ve been feeling the healthiest I have ever been and I’m so grateful. Actually my gratitude for my life has been exploding and all I want to do is share it with you, but I know that making high quality work requires patience, focus, introspection and adaptability. Although I’m busy, you’re more than welcome to chat with me on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, or Instagram and you can take a look at my Pinterest too if we have the same aesthetic vibe.

I hope you’re all well, safe, and healthy. I can’t wait to show you my work when it’s time.

KL

In simple conversations with others, I mute myself unintentionally…

…and it feels involuntary because I’m the type that wants to spill my heart’s contents. I just feel like when I’m around the majority of the people in my life, they have shown me what they really care or don’t care about through rejection, belittlement, invalidation, and sardonic attitudes assaulting what is not just important to me, but also accurate. So like many sensitives, I choose silence while my eyes tear up and my heart aches and my stomach churns and my mind screams. 

This became a painful habit of my people pleasing persona. The consequence was volcanic, but luckily for me the pen could channel the magma within and somehow transcend from being raw and unruly to becoming divine and sculpted. It was the first poem I wrote about how much I loved Spring in 5th grade where I realized I was being listened to. It was my first song about friendship where I realized I was being heard. So my poetic career plodded on while traversing through goth culture, my parent’s divorce, going to college early, losing toxic friends and becoming the toxic friend. 

I didn’t pick up the pen as much when depression won me over, but I’d reach for it in desperate times to avoid carving into my skin, since that too was belittled, invalidated, mocked, and only a few times led friends to beg me to never go too far. 

I’ve teased death a time or two, but our relationship is so much more fulfilling now that my poetic purpose has been embraced by my artistic and fragmented soul. That volcanic energy would cool sometimes and seal the broken parts me rearranged by new philosophies and mysticism that called the pen to my hand again, reminding me, especially when I’m erupting, that poetry is permission to simply be. 

Kris Leliel


purple petaled flower on white surface

The Relief of Simplicity and Being AntiPerfection— [Just Me]

Wow, I talk about perfectionism a lot don’t I? Lol, well that’s because it haunts the f**k out of me. I’m a very ambitious, but sensitive person. I have big ideas that turn into elaborate, yet overwhelming strategies, and have issues altering those strategies only because I get stuck in a strong spell of the […]

Gothic Style Throne Room by Concept Artist Joey Leung on ArtStation

How quickly our thrones become cages

from a single stroke of misery.

Convinced our legacies past

are erased by hidden difficulty.

Dismay destructs our strengths

lighting fire at our feet;

weakness become more transparent

than the thinnest silk sheets.

Don’t forget your prudence

in hours of adversity.

Unlock your cage and venture

to rebuild and ground your dignity.

Just a heads up, some visual changes are being made to the website to prepare for a new project. Apologies if some aspects of the site are difficult to see/read.

I hope you all are doing well and enjoying Yule/Xmas/Whatever. Please celebrate safely.

– K.L.

First and foremost, I found classical lofi and I love it.

Second, I’ve accepted that my writing and creative career is being accomplished in chaotic baby steps. I make small achievements on a daily basis, I think, but thanks to the mental health issues I have, sometimes I forget that daily progress. There’s a lot about my mind that I’m still learning. What I have learned has completely disrupted every single one of my schedules. NaNoWriMo? Only lasted a few days. Poetry reading? Nearly forgot it existed. Psychology degree? Who cares. Eating healthy? Why?

Yeah. It got that bad and then some. It happens though. Actually, this is what my entire life has always been like and when I look back at how my literal hurricane brain somehow achieved previous goals, I’m impressed and baffled really. When my hurricane brain goes full throttle, I beat myself up about it and that is currently a hard habit to break. I long for structure when it comes to my life goals, even though I am a lover of chaos because it inspires me. I guess I have to accept that there’s a method to my madness now. Even my therapist told me I’m trying to force structure on things that aren’t needed, and my rebuttal was, “Dude, it’s my career though,” and my therapist replied with, “Sounds like you need a partner/help,” which I laugh at because who in their right mind would be able to handle me? I can’t even handle me…I know there are those crazy agents out there who are willing to help artists of all sorts promote themselves and their insanity, but I can’t really imagine anyone like that for myself. That doesn’t mean it can’t happen, but, you know…If it happens, it happens.

So yeah, that’s me currently. I’m going to continue understanding myself, grounding myself, and when another creative project is completed, I’ll let you know.

The most recent completion is finally releasing my cover of “Love’s A Burden” by the metal symphonic band Beyond The Black. It’s a dark electronic wonder and I love it. Many thanks if you listen and subscribe to my YouTube. If you don’t have YouTube in your country, I will upload the video on the website soon. You can find the music on Spotify, Tidal, Apple Music, GooglePlay and other digital music distributors.

One Day They’ll Know – [Just Me]

During my meditations this week, I accepted an important sacrifice I had to make. Sacrifice is strange to me. Sometimes I go out of the way trying to find a way where I can get everything I want without losing anything. I try to strategize, work around the way people perceive me, hoping I can […]

Native American Artistry to Invest In – [Artist Recognition]

Look, dreamcatchers aren’t “aesthetic” investments. The regalia of indigenous American tribes aren’t Halloween costumes. Instead, you should invest in this wonderful list of Native American brands I found on Tumblr, where the artistry is spectacular and deserves more recognition. I really love Jamie Okuma‘s work (her work is in the featured image above [click here […]

sad ethnic female leaning forward on railing of terrace and looking down

What Almost Kills the Artist? [Just Me]

Many creatives are caught in the rat race while trying to maintain the status of being a valiant competitor just to make ends meet. Doing this almost kills us.  As creative and critical thinkers, whether neurotypical or neurodivergent, being forced to follow a regimen is something we can excel to keep AND completely fail to […]

My cover of Love’s A Burden. Hope you enjoy and subscribe.

Comment what you think below 🙂

Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/Tumblr: Authentikei

Available on iTunes/Apple Music, Spotify, Tidal, TikTok, Amazon, GooglePlay, Deezer, Pandora, Twitch and more.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/0gpepcMMhXEGMh1UEdj9Uk

Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/album/loves-a-burden-single/1538243561?uo=4&app=music&at=1001lry3&ct=dashboard

So being self-employed means wearing so many hats and I’m still trying to get the hang of all that I need to do and all that I want to do… but I’m happy doing it. I really miss sharing my music though. It’s just taking so much time…

My cover song hit a bit of a snag but that’s okay. I think I’ll be able to finish my next poetry reading soon. I miss releasing music so much. When my depression reached its peak in 2016 and swallowed me whole, I missed making music the most. Unfortunately, I self-destructed and deleted everything I posted in the past. It was just silly cover songs from anime, video games, and other shows I liked. Honestly, I might bring some of them back because they were building into something for me and I’m sad that I sabotaged the opportunity to see what it could have been.

I won’t give up this time around.

I hope you’re doing well. If you’re a creative like me, you better not give up either.