Don’t be too rigid with yourself

This is more for me than it is for any readers lol but like everyone else, I fixate on a system or strategy to get what I want in life. The last thing life will be is orderly. Humanity kind of obsesses over order to have a sense of control and I’m not saying some order isn’t helpful, but everyone has their own unique preference for what order they need and what chaos or flexibility they need in certain situations. The factors to consider are endless, really.

I do need more organization in some situations for sure, but when it comes to my art, I have a natural feel for what needs order and what needs openness. For example, I’m very methodical with my novel, but definitely more lenient, almost random, with drawing and music. I have to mix up my working method with these things all the time to get a decent flow. Essentially, that’s the flow I think we all want in our lives. For things to feel natural rather than forced.

That’s all I had to say. Hope you all are having a good day.

Tomorrow is my last day as a part-time creative

I’ve had the schedule of my part-time job changed so the majority of the week will go towards writing and my other creative projects. Greater fulfillment in life is happening y’all and I am so stoked. I will be writing and creating full-time!

It’s gonna be a hell of a lot of work and I can’t wait!

Just wanted to share that… 🙂

Mental and Emotional Exhaustion…but Progress

I really hate it when I disappear for a week or so at a time and I am sorry for that. It really comes down to the way my energy has been distributed. The part-time job (which really is a measely 4-5 hours 3 times a week) drains me. And it’s not necessarily the job itself, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a high sensitivity to how and where I give my energy. I find it’s very similar to how introverts are drained by people and extroverts are drained by loneliness, but for me it’s being drained combined with a lack of fulfillment.

Yesterday, I gave myself a rest day. I decided to read more of The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova and came across a passage that reminded me of the major arcana “The World” in tarot, which then led to an idea about my own novel and that led to a quick study into Christian gnosticism, which then inspired a backstory for my antagonist and protragonist. I could spend an entire day diving into literature, history, religion, philosophy, and any other river of knowledge because it literally quenches the thirst I need for feeling fulfilled.

As I wrote on my tumblr, this is all I am. I consider my “art” basically anything I write, compose, sing, draw, or any creative project I get into. Everything else is self-explanatory. I can’t handle being caged in like it seems at the moment. But I’m not caged. I have plenty of resources that I am and should be using to build the life I want (and really, it’s a life I already have; I’m just building upon it every day). Just need to take my own advice from my article, “The ‘Lack Mentality’ is Killing Us” :

“None of us like being inconsiderate with our resources or insensitive to those who are trying to support us, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. The lack mentality encourages the emptiness that no one asked for. It’s just there. One thing to remember is that the emptiness you struggle with developed over time. This means, decreasing that emptiness will happen over time…Stop expecting the resources and support given to provide instant gratification,”

Authentikei, 2018

So, each time I go to the part-time job and decide to work more and more hours there instead of trusting myself to provide my own income through my work, that emptiness expands a little more. The mental and emotional fatigue comes from feeling hollow and uninspired. I plan to change that and use every resource to do so. It will take patience, because it won’t be instant, but I’m so damn sure it’ll be worth it. Financial responsibility and dream building is a tough tug-of-war for many of us, but you certainly feel more alive when you let the dreams win. We forget sometimes that our dreams can manifest into a real lifestyle that monetizes itself.

For those who read and check up on me, thank you for the support. You’ll hear more of my work very, very soon.

A Small Rant on Historical Research and Studies

I’ve been angry about this for over 24 hours and I need to let it go because I am not going to argue with ignorant minds on the Internet, but I just want to say this: Western academia is not the gatekeeper of historical truth. Just because an event in history wasn’t published by the University of Harvard or Oxford or whatever doesn’t mean “it didn’t happen” or that “there is no evidence”, especially when it comes to the history of indigenous people who weren’t even granted the privilege to have their history published for so long, let alone speak English. Regarding the history of American Natives, there are less than 60 Native American Studies programs in America. That’s a drop in the pool of other historical studies programs that focus solely on British or Eastern European history. Lastly, there will always be glimpses and events in history where no matter how far an archaeologist digs, how many books a scholar reads, or how many ancient texts or artifacts a historian or linguist may observe, we will never know the complete truth and we should accept that. Support understanding the wonders of history, but don’t act like the truth and nature of humanity is absolute. I mean, really, go ahead and claim omnipotence. Let’s see how far you get with that.

Preparing for a Transition

Even though I work another part-time job at the moment, I’m preparing for a schedule change where writing and creating will be my priority again. Authentikei was started due to wanting to become a novelist. I’m already a writer, musician, and artist who is finally seizing the time and courage needed to get my work out there. Building my career isn’t just about making money my bitch and defying certain social norms (haha), but also finding a community where we can have great discourse about our personal philosophies and truths along with enjoying art and life in general. If I want my work to stand for anything, it should be clear in the name: authenticity.

Thank you for your patience. Really wanted to touch base and I hope you’ll like what’s planned in the future. All the work I have announced has not been forgotten. In fact, it’s all coming together very nicely. I’ll have some new articles coming out too, by the way. Thank you for the support. Make sure you take care of yourselves.

Lastly, to my fellow Americans, please be respectful of Native American cultures during this time. You know exactly why we should be.

It’s Okay To Feel Alive

If you’re like me, maybe you had a history of shutting down your emotions. Perhaps you have a history of having your true feelings invalidated by those closest to you; a long, long history of emotional neglect. There’s power in emotional that can only be felt to be understood and I truly believe the most artistic souls are the ones who embody that because they break out and use that power to fight for what they lost long ago in that horrid history of emotional neglect.

It’s a blessing simultaneously, awakening us to an empowering reality that can also be very painful to process. That power can transform into a sickness that is so unique it seems incurable, yet it’s cleverly hiding the truth: it IS the cure.

I’m calling to you, my fellow goth and emo kids. It’s okay to feel alive and I promise you there’s nothing more thrilling than taking back your power through artistic means. Channel your emotional retaliation through shock, through awe, through horror, through beauty. Express yourself. Be alive. Stay alive.

Image: Exorcism possessed by Melissa Smith Photography

Edit 11/25/2019: A few of those earlier sentences didn’t make sense before lol fixed them now. Sorry about that.

The Hunger

Closer and closer to realizing my dreams as reality. Today is 11/11, a really special day with a very inspiring energy. I’m ravenous for creation, determined to publish and distribute my work. I truly feel like I’m finally going in the right direction and simultaneously knowing that going any direction will benefit me somehow.

This is a just a special time. Manifestation isn’t a joke or a fancy way of playing pretend and hoping all your dreams come true in a blink. It requires patience and emotional fortitude along with a strong belief in your developing work. To me, it’s a hunger and I am no longer starving. I am providing for myself each passing day.

I had a rough night, but such a peaceful morning because I remembered that I’m free to live how I want thanks to this hunger and the development of my own self-trust.