Wow, I am… I want to say I’m “exhausted”, but really I’m proud. There were moments of emotional adversity within the previous week. I survived it. Sometimes it’s weird to look back at a past moment that previously would’ve led to a more explosive result. I’ve been practicing ignoring things more, which I shared on Instagram.
One of the reasons why I’m pursuing psychology is to address the function or desire behind emotional manipulation. It’s amazing how far a person will go to convince you that you should be submitting to a higher power, an authoritarian figure, or even that person in order to have betterment in your life. It’s salesmanship, really. Lol, really petty salesmanship.
As I pursue my psychology degree, I look forward to a deeper plunge into the almost ridiculous ways a human will take to feel validated. It’s not like the desire for validation is bad. Validation in itself, I think, it’s very natural. I’d be a hypocrite for saying the opposite, especially as a writer/artist. I just feel that the way we pursue validation through means of force, manipulation, and otherwise is not just astounding, but also contradictory. That’s just my opinion though. I hope to expand upon that later in the future through more publications and art.
Self-improvement is a process, not a race. I keep forgetting that and my subconscious becomes so opportunistic that I end up reverting to old ways of thinking and being. Trusting in the progress we make as people who are trying to make better decisions in life requires us to be brave enough to trust ourselves even when the unexpected or the uncontrollable occur. Let mistakes happen. Tap into that raw emotion that rises up, analyze those old habits, accept why you gave into them, then take that experience and do better. It’s not easy and it’s not a race. Let’s give ourselves permission to explore and adapt to the process of self-improvement.
I had some flooding in my place earlier this week and that required most of my attention. Meanwhile, I’ve received some positive feedback on my new astrology article “What To Expect During Each Retrograde” and I am so grateful.
Half of the day will be a catch up day for me, meaning more posts are coming. I hope all of you are staying healthy and making smart choices. Since my week was a bit stressful, the best thing I could do was take a step back for a few days and now I feel more rejuvenated.
Holding high standards for ourselves eventually lead to us saying somthing along the lines of, “I’m just not good enough.” I just wrote about that in my VPD. I’m so sick of those thoughts. They make me angry, not at myself, but I do go down memory lane and remember what led to me being this way towards myself and others sometimes.
Forgiveness is overrated and underrated. It’s the most bittersweet thing we can give ourselves and we can practice doing that more often by recognizing and accepting our flaws. Additionally, we can remember that accepting our flaws doesn’t mean our flaws define us entirely.
My VPD I’m posting on Vocal today is about transitioning from being a confident editor who’s really good at brainstorming to an anxious writer being too hard on themselves. I’m going to challenge myself today, and if you’d like to join me as a fellow perfectionist go ahead, to direct my inner critic solely on the story and not let it branch off into other territory such as my identity, intelligence, or anything else that’s personal. The goal with the second draft is to refine the story and just do my best as a hardworking and vulnerable writer. I treasure my vulnerability. I treasure my flaws. If I were talking to a friend, I wouldn’t want them to be down on themselves because of mistakes they made while working on their life’s passion. Recognizing areas that need improvement is better than being delusional. I’m going to trust myself to do better and be better without tearing myself down.
Building my writing career has been incredibly fun and intimidating. Now I’m taking steps closer towards furthering my education by pursuing a degree in psychology. I’m really excited.
More novel work is on the way. I’ve decided to read/edit approximately 25%-30% of my first draft and then start rewriting again. I’m debating on sharing some excerpts of my narration to see if I get any feedback, but I’m not sure that will happen because I’m not noticed by a lot of people yet and that’s fine. I’m going to start campaigning my short story, “Autonomy Bleeds Black” more and see if I can get critical or brutal feedback from audiences then.
Yep. Marketing, marketing, marketing. It all comes down to that, doesn’t it?
Learning to be more mindful about the areas in my life that need rest is still a fairly new experience. Do you still have that “daily grind” mentality, where you must work hard whenever your workdays are and ignore yourself anytime your mind, body, or spirit is screaming “I NEED A BREAK!!” ? It’s important to have discipline in life, but I think too many of us think discipline means working hard without recognizing what you need. The labor laws of our society shouldn’t dictate how much rest we deserve; we should be deciding that.
Then again, some of us feel guilty when we’re resting for too long. I get antsy and restless every time I don’t write on my blog, give myself a break from the novel, or take a step back from an article. To me, that means I’m lacking mindfulness when it comes to rest. My brain needs time to rest so I can write again. My soul needs peace so I’ll be inspired to write. My body needs rest even if I am sitting at my desk or in my bed a good part of the day. All of our needs in the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual sense deserve a moment of rejuvenation. I know some of us may give ourselves a day or two of rest and still feel like we didn’t get enough. All the more reason to see the day you scheduled as the rest day as a practice. It takes time to learn what exactly you need to help give your mind, body, and soul an energetic reset.
These sources can help you get started:
If you’re an empath or hypersensitive person, read this article to learn about grounding techniques that help prevent breakdowns.
If you’d like help thinking about how you can cleanse your living space and empower yourself, read this article.
If you struggle to see what you have in life that could possibly make your situation better when there’s so much you don’t have, read this article.
I hope you all had a nice weekend even though the astrological energy was very intense and Saturnarian. The fourth is a holiday out here in the U.S., but there wasn’t much to celebrate, really. My introversion was pretty extreme over the weekend. I set aside some time to reflect on my future and what kinds of things I’ve manifested due to how I was in the past. After that, I’m more motivated to work on my writing career and I’m grateful for that. Sometimes too much reflection pulls you away from accepting the present for what it is.
More VPD and other things on the way. Hope you have a good one.
My week started out strong, then my sleep schedule messed me up. I ended up going silent yesterday without intending to. Lol, it happens. I have a lot of catching up to do, but that’ll be for tomorrow. You can catch up to my Violet Project Diaries (a diary tracking my novel progress and writing career) or check out some of my poetry on my Vocal.Media profile.
It’s been a good work day. I’ll release a new VPD tomorrow. I guess I wanted to just express what’s been on my mind lately. There’s been the comfort in stagnancy that I’ve been holding onto and it’s a side of me I don’t like. That side feels like an older version of myself that has such a lack of belief and lack of rationality when it comes to making choices. Like many, I have turned a blind eye on my own strength, but will tap into it for the sake of validation from others or creating this concept more founded in fantasy than logic that my life purpose will miraculously make sense.
Today, I’m proud of myself for noticing that there were times the realization of my own strength led to incredible accomplishments. I have a Masters in Liberal Studies with a concentration in Creative Writing when some guiding voices nudged me out of the Political Science courses and into the English courses as an undergrad. Through that journey I embraced my love for writing fiction, poetry, and essays. Now I’m reflecting again, those guiding voices being more metaphysical than in person this time, feeling the call to advance my gifts as a mystic into a tangible career. I was unsure about whether I wanted to really talk about this on here because there’s still so much to plan and prepare for, but this is Authentikei, right? I’m supposed to be authentic. I think I would make a great personality psychologist. I’ve come this far trusting in my psychic and intuitive abilities to guide me to write about metaphysics and literature, but I haven’t considered applying my abilities to psychology, which has been a love of mine for a very long time. I’m sort of aspiring to be like Carl Jung, who was not just a clinical psychologist, but also a lover of metaphysics, occultist, and mystic in his own right. Can’t I do that? Especially as a writer?
So yeah. That’s a thing. It’s a thing that feels very, very right to pursue. We’ll see what happens. This doesn’t mean I stop any of this. I have to write and working on my projects almost every day now or I’m just lost, but I definitely feel I have the capability to handle advancing my education and applying that achievement to my current career. What would you think of a personality psychologist who wrote dark fantasy and poetry, did literary analyses for fun, and researched metaphysical/occult topics? What kind of career would come out of that do you think?
It’s been a rough week, but I know many of us are feeling the worldwide tension waxing and waning everyday. I think many of the tensions stem from realization. The coronavirus itself shined a light on how well or how horribly our governing bodies take our welfare seriously. In addition to that, we’re reevaluating our relationships with others for the sake of sustaining our moral compass. We’re being bombarded with truth bombs. It’s a lot. Shattering even. I have artistic outlets that helped me cope with what’s going on, but now I’m becoming less concerned about coping and more focused on increasing my awareness and mindfulness.
This whole “my life is a lie” mentality has me thinking about how to pursue living a truthful life more aggressively. From the external sense, that comes down to educating ourselves, thinking more critically about cultures worldwide, and accepting what we do and don’t have control over. Many people have already taken steps towards that mindset, which is great. From the internal sense, addressing how life has lied to us is really bothering me and I think that’s because it makes me more aware of how powerless I was swimming in the lies and believing it was the truth. This is the kind of crap that fuels my trust issues and my raging sense of justice, but again, this internal exploration requires a greater understanding and accountability of the self, not for rage and fear to takeover.
I’ve learned many new things about myself this week alone, things that I never bothered to work through until it surfaced up during this emotional week. I love reflecting through divination, meditation, and the arts. Now I’m pushing myself to be more transparent with resources founded in psychological, historical, and scientific studies because that’s how I’ll best understand my mindset and my behaviors. I believe studying topics like the power of cultural influence, types of parenting, the habit of stereotyping or generalizing labeled groups, and historical power shifts with greater seriousness and then integrating those studies with a more personalized, yet open perspective will help us ground ourselves. There’s a kind of contagious obsession with associations, status, and reputation that’s falsifying our inner truths and discouraging us from authenticity. Personally, I feel like growing in a westernized society detached me from the concept of allowing myself to be nurtured as a human. Instead I feel sculpted and groomed to be a complacent member of a labeled group in an apathetic society and culture.
I feel like my life is a lie because the whole definition of being human and simply being was presented to me with the intent to control me. I don’t make that statement out of fear or paranoia, but out of acceptance. I want to be part of the flow of progression, encouraging the prioritization of people and planet. To be clear, I’m not going into save the world or save humanity mode because I’ve also accepted that there are people who thrive from the way society is now and they will make conscious choices to maintain their privileges. It would be self-destructive and toxic to continue to fight those people as it compromises my own welfare.
If you feel like your life has been a lie and these realizations about what’s around you and what’s within you is forcing you to evolve, don’t resist the progression. Chose mindfulness. Strive for more fulfilling moments. We can’t be lukewarm or apathetic about our life choices anymore.