The opinions of others are separate from my truth.
I woke up anxious and angry over a dream that revealed how poorly I respond to the actions and opinions of others. I gave them too much power. It’s exactly what has made manipulating me so easy for others whether I consider them close or are just random strangers. My Leo Chiron is in the first house vibing with my ascendant and opposing my Aquarian stellium (my sun, mercury, and saturn…yeah). This energy is aggravating. I jump to conclusions about how a person will respond to my actions and feelings and while thinking I’m preparing for the worst by setting up a good comeback or thinking of the most aggressive and vengeful way to put them in their place. It sucks living and thinking this way, thinking that because my emotional needs have been ignored and rejected time and time again I always have to be on guard and ready to fight. I’m never going to condone the people who have hurt me in the past, but I would like to stop acting like those people hold so much power over my life and identity. It’s not even really their fault that they have so much power over me; I give them that power. It’s unintentional, but I do it nonetheless.
So during today’s meditation and oracle reading, I reflected on the pain I was holding in my heart, the part of me that lashes out in offensive and defensive ways when my anxiety spikes. That pain is still there because I try so damn hard to ward off anymore ridicule and rejection externally, then completely forget that the internal pain is still there, still screaming for help. Why does healing have to be so tricky? I mean, I feel like I’m at the point where I know I can heal myself if I just nurtured self-healing more often. Why is my go to an immediate revenge plan or preparing for the worst? I guess that’s all I’ve known, but I’m ready to remind myself that I have options when it comes to my healing and that there are some points to remember as I heal:
Some people are too f**ked up to care about you. (The nice version is that people are not “emotionally mature” enough, but I like mine more.)
People and the universe we live in don’t owe you anything and aren’t obligated to care. It’s great when people do care, but as an absurdist, I accept that most things if not all things originate from a cold meaninglessness, but if we want, we can assign purpose/meaning to what benefits us even if that may seem pointless to others.
We all have limited views of one another. That chiron in Leo is a significator of social anxiety, if you ask me, so it’s good to remember that people, no matter how close they are, aren’t capable of understanding who you are in your entirety and vice versa. People are more often focused on their own shit anyway. Sure, there are some obsessive freaks out there that may think about you constantly, but how much would they really know? Probably not a lot.
To reinstate my power and inner truth, I came up with this mantra during meditation:
The opinions of others are separate from my truth.
While listening to the music below, I spoke this mantra aloud and it helped me feel less enmeshed with the people I was worried about. The point of being isn’t to change how people understand you. The point is to just be. I’m so done forgetting that.
“Necromancy Manual in the Cambridge Library” was the first video of ESOTERICA’s randomly recommended to me on YouTube. ESOTERICA, hosted by Dr. Justin Sledge, has been a joy in my life while writing and learning about occult texts, so I’m grateful for the recommendation and happy to share it with fellow occultists. As the channel description says, you’ll see “content relating to topics such as alchemy, magic, mysticism, hermetic philosophy, theosophy, the occult and more using the best academic scholarship currently available.” Dr. Sledge’s overview of the variety of topics mentioned is insightful and I love his little jokes too (He doesn’t seem to be a fan of the publisher Brill). Sledge’s critical and humanistic approach to these occult topics is so refreshing and helps make “occult academia” more than just an aesthetic. He also leaves a list of recommended readings in the description of each video.
The days are finally cool. I can sit outside at dusk and watch overcast clouds glide by, blocking the harshness of the sun. There’s a gloom that covers us with shorter days and longer nights. I don’t understand those who dislike that gloom; for me, it’s pure comfort. That gloom demands calm. It beckons us to slow down after all the activity from summer.
Autumn is often an analogy of releasing or dying. The changing colors of the leaves along with the crinkle they make under our feet are a subtle “memento mori”. I get to take this moment of rest to reflect on eternal rest. Birdsong is somber, sweet, and soft, moving with crisp air and deep sighs of relief. It’s beautiful to let go, to rest. I don’t know why I’m one of those who rarely feels restful during the summer; it could be the culture, I guess. I just know when summer ends, there’s a winding down. School semesters begin and encourage focus while work cultures prepare for holidays. Whether it be culture or metaphor, preparedness and focus take hold and that often requires calm to be efficient.
What I love most about autumn is how the change in the air invokes a sense of other realms coming closer simply because this part of the world grows darker, colder, and how so many beliefs and traditions are experienced at once. Autumn is a season of wonder that questions the known and unknown. This scares a lot of people, which could be why fear is more prominent this time of year, but I will always treasure this wonder, this calm bliss.
If all our coffins were as cozy as the blankets and sweaters we wrap ourselves in and death was as warm as a good cup of coffee or tea, people wouldn’t worry so much about the inevitable.
I’m following this blog post list by The Life of Dee because I miss blogging. Let’s see if I can do this every day for October.
Day 1: Ultimate cosy night in – what are the essentials for having a cosy night in?
Before answering, just need to say I had no idea cozy was spelled with an “s” in the UK lol. Weird.
My coziest nights are with a cup of lavender/chamomile tea with honey, french vanilla cream, and a few drops of Valerian Poppy Supreme, an herbal supplement made by Gaia Herbs that’s a complete anxiety extinguisher for me. Sometimes I’ll dip oatmeal cookies in the tea. I like curling up in bed with several blankets and my stuffed baby snow owl (his name is Algernon). If I’m not watching a reality show or drama with a supernatural twist, I’m having a movie marathon of psychological thrillers. Sometimes I’ll watch GameGrumps if I need to laugh. If I’m not in the mood to watch anything, I’m reading or listening to Parcast podcasts (Cults is my favorite), an audiobook, something on Chilling Tales for Dark Nights, or a podcast about writers talking about writing, science, philosophy, or goth subculture shit. I also like listening to dark/heavy ambience, lofi, fantasy ambience, classical music, dark academia playlists, forest/nature ambience, video game soundtracks, or a good thunderstorm. I like having my lava lamp on during the night and like to light incense or use my aroma diffuser (I like cypress, lavender, and cedarwood). Sometimes I’ll smoke mugwort and rose petals (also good for anxiety).
Even though I’ve been fighting a cold and the panic attacks that come with being congested/not being able to breathe, this ambience really calms me down. I think it would be good for writing as well. The YouTube channel is The Guild of Ambience.
My brain became 80% capitalist and 20% artist unintentionally. I hyper-focused on creating a product and marketing it as soon as possible. I had tunnel vision on profit. Although there’s nothing wrong with wanting to make a profit as an artist (we have to eat and all that), I internalized boss bitchiness and turned my drive for success inward. I put myself under too much pressure. I stopped forgiving myself for mistakes. I stressed myself out. Didn’t even notice until I was low-key miserable.
The only freedom which deserves the name is that of pursuing our own good in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs or impede their efforts to obtain it. Each is the proper guardian of his own health, whether bodily or mental and spiritual
John Stuart Mill – On Liberty
Hello again.
I’m happy to make a quiet return to blogging and sharing the progress of my creative projects. I’ve been bursting with a lot of ideas, but also trying to slow down so I can focus on one idea or project at a time. Lately, I’ve been thinking about governance for the sake of worldbuilding for my dark fantasy novel and short story series. Exploring the philosophies behind various political agendas led me to think about what freedom truly means. As an American, I can admit that my country feeds the illusion of freedom and we reinforce that narrative with the way we treat one another’s individualized issues with prejudice, apathy, ignorance, and insecurity. We do this explicitly and implicitly, often not knowing which is which. It’s no surprise that feeding an illusion will inevitably make you delusional if you’re not grounded with some kind of autonomy and self-trust. Returning to my writing, my thoughts and feelings about governance and the microcosm of its power found in our interactions with friends and family have been braided into my work. I’m just realizing this now as an American who has particular privileges and faces particular acts of oppression, and yet is struggling to believe that I’m free. The narratives about freedom fed to me as a child and the narratives fed to me today are so flimsy, yet build a harsh friction between my pursuit of living a free and fulfilling life because I’m not obeying the narratives; I can never be free the “right” way.
I took a few weeks off of social media and thoroughly enjoyed it. I remembered when social media came out when I was a teenager, I think, and didn’t even care about joining it until I heard that Amy Lee from Evanescence made a Twitter account (lol!). Many people phrase the use of social media as being flooded by too much information at once, which I agree with. We’re not flooded just by information, but also many personal narratives from people we don’t even know. Those who are opinionated and have strong personalities seem to dominate as icons and influencers in their relative niches. For a while I thought I wanted that, but the cost of having that kind of status also challenges what freedom is. I don’t like the pressure that comes with meeting the expectations of others nor surrendering the majority of my energy to staying in contact and interacting with people from many walks of life on a daily basis. Lol, I can barely handle going to the grocery store maneuvering around people and sometimes having to talk to them (#firstworldproblems). So taking this break from social media helped me to find the balance I need when it comes to loving all the chaos that is the internet and making sure I’m grounded enough to create. I’ve decided I’m going to continue spending less time on social media and use it for marketing purposes for the most part.
I call myself a mystic and creative spirit as the sub-headline of Authentikei, but I should just put “nocturnal antisocial hermit”. I’m happiest when I’m alone and creating, but when I do share more of my writing, my music, and more, I’ll happily engage with you and others because I’m also at my happiest when I find kindred souls who fancy the dark side. I’ve accepted that I’m a hermit and that to maintain this freedom, I have to be responsible enough to preserve my health, which is what freedom currently means to me, but I’m a hermit who is grateful for the online and real-life communities that resonate with me as they’re wonderful reminders that I’m not and never will be alone. As the proper guardian of my health, this is my choice and I’ll do whatever’s necessary to preserve this sacred freedom. Perhaps that sounds dramatic in regards to social media, but I can’t emphasize how important it is to me to make sure my time and energy is no longer commanded by the people who are apathetic and ignorant of my needs. I believe every creative spirit has that right.
Thank you for your time. Also, I wanted to share the philosophy video from Academy of Ideas that inspired this post.
