…Is writing the second draft supposed to almost feel like you’re writing another story? Well, it doesn’t feel that extreme to me, but there’s a lot that needs to be added, changed, and polished. I don’t know why this seems strange. During this writing session there are times I feel like my first draft is a botched mess and the fact that I’m having to fill in details that were obviously necessary must mean my writing needs a massive amount of improvement, but harsh inner critic aside, I’m fully aware that writing will always be a practice. The best I can do is remain teachable, open, and devoted to the craft.
Just like music makes the mood for a social gathering, atmosphere and archetypes are key elements to the mood of any work of fiction. In art, mood and tone with colors range from cold to warms; I know in writing we have to explore all sorts of sensory details, so what I learned today, and also what I consider today’s triumph, is conveying a character’s demeanor with common attributes we associate with a Jungian archetype.
A while ago I ran into a Tumblr post about “grind culture” describing how there are people who are perfectionistic in regards to how they should be working, studying, living, and that reminded me of my fellow fans of the dark academia aesthetic and the studyblr tag. Here is the post:
I talk about perfectionism a bit whether I’m blogging or writing an article and it’s because it’s something that empowers me and haunts me. Although I’m so incredibly excited to be working on my psychology degree and in love with the course material so far, I had a meltdown over a quiz that I failed. I cried and panicked for nearly an hour and had to spend another hour calming myself down. In hindsight, I felt ridiculous, but more than anything I felt powerless. The perfectionism in me has developed into something that makes my mood swings and anxiety incredibly difficult to control. Therapy helped, but the feeling of shame took more time to work through.
I go through this as a writer too. What I was really worried about after my meltdown was my inability to handle something as small as a failed quiz leading to my inability to brace for subjective opinions about my work and career path. It was all revolving around a small failure that was hypothetically turning into a gargantuan failure. So after meditating on this, I came to the quick conclusion that first off, I was so tired of being this mean to myself; I truly do love myself so being unnecessarily harsh feels like a regression in my pursuit for better emotional and mental health. Then, I decided to challenge my view on what a “failure” is. At my core, I believed failure means shame and punishment. To challenge this core belief, I switched from calling my failures into mistakes. Failure can have a crassness to it, but “mistake” reminded me of the classic term “learn from your mistakes”. After that, I could look back at the quiz as a lesson about my mistakes.
What I learned was incredibly helpful. I took notice my anxiety levels while studying and doing any exercise, quiz, or whatever that “tests” me. I learned that instead of expecting perfectionism, I could strive for excellence, which to me requires an open and teachable mind that enjoys the process of self-improvement (You know, the whole “it’s the journey, not the destination” thing). I balance this out by thinking about my health logically. For excellence to happen, my brain needs rest, my body needs care, and my soul needs joyful reminders of my ambitions and aspirations. Although I did make sure to follow a schedule so the workload each day wasn’t more stressful than it already was, I didn’t take myself to the rigidity of grind culture I used partake in a long time ago in a elementary charter school far, far away almost until grad school. Knowing my personality, I’m already in that frame of mind where I want and will do my best. There’s absolutely no need for me to make my perfectionism into a monster, when its brought me so far and polished my work ethic. The most important lesson from that silly quiz was… don’t take the quiz if you’re panicking about the time limit more than the material. Lol.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that. Now that I have a decent routine with my psych classes, I can return to my writing routine. I am so glad my structure has returned and is solid enough to try new things.
Close your eyes.Fall. Let her catch you; if she doesn’t, know that there’s no intention to break your trust, but unconsciously keep a better promise through a deep dive into your psyche.
Close your eyes. Listen. Even when your eyes are open, you can feel her screaming in your most vulnerable places; your gut and your heart. Relentlessly, she struggles against your consciousness that is almost convinced to ignore her and instead let outside forces have the final say.
One author I was thinking about after my writing session today was F. Scott Fitzgerald. I think I may have blogged or written about his vivid writing style before. One night I decided to listen to The Beautiful and Damned on audiobook hoping it would help me go to sleep. It was impossible. The diction and rhythm of his writing kept me awake and invested in Anthony’s life, family, grandfather, and the girl in the tub. The narration is omnipotent third-person. There isn’t a lot of dialogue, but every scene has ambience, the internal conflicts and emotions of the protagonist are interdependent on the atmosphere of every scene. Of course why wouldn’t it? The American 1920s was a very lively time where your status and progress in life determined whether you were all the rage or not. Although there’s a looseness or almost carefree façade to the high class life of that time, there’s also a stress and competitiveness digging inside their guts. Fitzgerald wasn’t just narrating (and parodying, I think) about a time and characters he meticulously understood, but…
I’ve decided to just be honest since I haven’t been posting much of anything the past two weeks. My mental health threw off my schedule again, which is a part of my lifestyle I have to accept. However, I am still working on multiple articles, my novel, a music project, and polishing my short story “Autonomy Bleeds Black”. It’s not the multiple projects that is overwhelming me, but other factors in my life. Unfortunately, I have lost some momentum because of it, but I am not lost.
Getting back on schedule will take time, but it’ll happen. All you can do is be patient with yourself.
On another note, there are still more disturbing things happening in the US and worldwide that’s affecting so many of us on multiple levels. Remember to ground yourself and accept what you can’t control. Accept the changes around you and the differences you have with others. Give yourself a moment, then remind yourself what you’re fighting or living for.
So, I dedicated this week to working on updates with my horror short “Autonomy Bleeds Black”, which is why I haven’t uploaded a VPD or blogged much of anything else this week. I knew I had to give the horror short some time to make sure my marketing is successful and that my dream of my short stories becoming movies becomes possible.
However, I miss the crap out of my novel! I’m going to work on it today and write a VPD as well as share my other ones. I guess this is the risk of having more than one writing project. Have you ever had this feeling though? Where you miss the world and characters you created? It’s gotten to the point where I have designed playlists for my characters with Spotify when I want to think about them (it’s very fun!). I honestly love this feeling and can’t wait to get back on track.
Also, I started the audiobook called Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. Have you read it? I absolutely love it so far. It’s definitely a must for artists of all types who need inspiration or encouragement, especially if you’re a poet.
Lately, I’ve been battling these intrusive thoughts I have about people. I think those of us with mild social anxiety tend to allow our personal realities orbit around the perceptions of others, even when we don’t agree with them. I guess I could even chalk that up to how I was raised. Even when you disagreed and expressed how you really feel, you’re shut down by your parent or some other authority figure, because that was the law. No voice. Just compliance. What a toxic trap to fall into and get comfortable with.
Today, there are so many of my opinions and views I keep to myself especially around family, but I challenge myself to be more outspoken around friends and on my art platform of course because it’s out of my comfort zone not just to speak up, but to also be heard. What words I know would fall on deaf ears in my family or in other social circles I save to scream through a poem, song, essay, research article, digital painting, and more. Being so determined to be heard is so out of my comfort zone, as well as listening to others who resonate on the same mental and emotional wavelength as me. The more I’ve done this, the less I’m worried about being “found out” by the family or whoever else has nothing better to do than be judgmental of my non-conforming essence. Leaving the toxic comfort zone I grew up in has made it easier to breathe.
As an American witnessing many different viewpoints and influences rise in this country, revolutionary and otherwise, it’s now more important than ever to know where you stand, not necessarily to feed into the “us vs. them” dynamic, but to establish a sense of self as many different types of influences try to wash over us like a tidal wave. Stand tall in your truth and live it.
I’ve been listening to three audiobooks for my own self-improvement. Currently, my picks are You Creative Career by Anna Sabino (this is actually a reread for me), The Business of Being a Writer by Jane Friedman, and How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. There’s … Continue reading Advice for the Ambitious – [Just Me]
There was so much to take care of this week and the weekend was nothing but studying and organizing things for work. I’m exhausted, but I feel very grounded and fulfilled. Sunday’s are my rest days, so I’ll be fine by tomorrow. The time I’ve taken to organize things for Authentikei has made it easier … Continue reading Hell of a Week – [Just Me]
This is a video from the YouTube channel XELASOMA, who I cam across recently. I’ve been diving into the Jungian archetype meanings after taking a test and doing some research specifically for my novel and the VPD articles. I think this youtuber explained The Magician so precisely and eloquently. I hope you enjoy his video and subscribe.
Let me know what you think. What archetype do you resonate with?
Originally posted on 333kephirhet666: IAO is first mentioned in the Pistis Sophia: The Gnostic Tradition of Mary Magdalene, Jesus, and His Disciples. It is a mantra very rich in symbolic meaning, and like most Gnostic texts a bit mysterious in origin. Among Gnostics it seemed to take not only the form of a mantra but…
I want to share Bookshop.org with those of you who love books and want to support local bookstores. I came across it on Tumblr and absolutely love the concept. I know Amazon may be your go to for eBooks, but I promise you Amazon will be fine if you support local bookstores and small businesses … Continue reading Bookshop.org – Promote Local Bookstores
The delusions surrounding are endless. Layer after layer of “I have to do this” and “I need to do that” when it’s all really a choice in the end, my choice. To recalibrate, I remind myself that it’s not about what I should or have or need to do, but what I want to do. … Continue reading Sometimes I Lose Sight Of Who I Am – [Just Me]
Wow, I am… I want to say I’m “exhausted”, but really I’m proud. There were moments of emotional adversity within the previous week. I survived it. Sometimes it’s weird to look back at a past moment that previously would’ve led to a more explosive result. I’ve been practicing ignoring things more, which I shared on Instagram.
One of the reasons why I’m pursuing psychology is to address the function or desire behind emotional manipulation. It’s amazing how far a person will go to convince you that you should be submitting to a higher power, an authoritarian figure, or even that person in order to have betterment in your life. It’s salesmanship, really. Lol, really petty salesmanship.
As I pursue my psychology degree, I look forward to a deeper plunge into the almost ridiculous ways a human will take to feel validated. It’s not like the desire for validation is bad. Validation in itself, I think, it’s very natural. I’d be a hypocrite for saying the opposite, especially as a writer/artist. I just feel that the way we pursue validation through means of force, manipulation, and otherwise is not just astounding, but also contradictory. That’s just my opinion though. I hope to expand upon that later in the future through more publications and art.