Is this another way of saying, “Am I a workaholic?” I’m not sure. I do think it’s weird that I don’t feel well when I’m not working in a stressful environment or that I’m not really working if I’m not stressed. That’s the kind of mentality the dark academia fandom bonds over, actually. It’s a weird, toxic thing.
I did a tarot reading on this and it turns out that the normalization of burnout and stress is very hard to decondition yourself from (I know that’s not very profound, but it just hit me this sh*t is deeper than I thought…). Abandoning calm and comfort while working is one of those things we as a society just decided to agree on? I was even advised to make sure I work at a desk so it feels like work (since the majority of my work is done at home) and that my bed should be for rest only… Nah. I love working in bed. I love that I can do my studies and my writing in the most comfortable place in my home. I’m only up and about for photoshoots and music recording. Shouldn’t that be enough? Does professionalism and career building have to be a suffocating experience? Does the daily grind really benefit me if I feel worthless and depressed when I’m not working myself to death? I’m pretty sure we each have our own work-life balance that works best for us, but sometimes mine feels…I honestly don’t know how to describe it.
I think the rigidity of Western work ethic is very unsettling. Why does it thrive on compounding on societal pressures? Does it also thrive on brainwashing me into thinking what I do will never be enough? How dumb… How scary…