Uneasiness – [Just Me]

It’s very fortunate that there are at least some businesses that understand the financial struggles during the pandemic and are being easier on bill payments, but I have to admit, sometimes the pressure of paying bills creeps up on me especially when I keep in mind that it won’t be like this forever.

I am so determined to make a living blogging, writing about writing, and as an author along with mixing my artistic and musical skills in there. I know it can happen. I believe in myself to make it happen. More than anything, I understand that it’s going to take time for it to happen, so truly, that creeping pressure is that little voice in my head saying “Do I have enough time?”

It’s a bit cliche to say that I have all the time in the world or that I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m 27 and I’m proud of myself for making it here after some close calls in the past. It’s eating away at me that the work that I do now, as fulfilling as it is, isn’t bringing in enough. I do have a transcribing job on the side for extra cash, but I worry that job is going to take over my life when bills and responsibilities build higher and higher. The best way I can counter that worry is to build myself and my work up higher than the bills and the responsibilities, keeping my mindset focused on manifesting the writer lifestyle I long for.

You know what I keep asking myself? “Is it really humble to act like I don’t want to be famous and wealthy?” Because I think what I really mean is that I don’t want to be like the greedy, selfish one percent that’s hoarding all the wealth, but I do want prosperity and recognition. If I’m going to have a mindset that’s driven to be a successful writer, I should just accept that fame and wealth wouldn’t be so bad. I do want my life to be private and have my work portray my transparency. I want to have enough wealth to maintain a prosperous future and give generously to the arts and charities. Actually, one of my pipedreams is to have a like a Museum of the Dark Arts (but of course I’ll call it something else so Rowling doesn’t sue me lol), which would be a museum of the darker, macabre, and horror inspiring works of various mediums from the past and in modern times that helped so many of us understand our inner demons rather than wrestle with them. I want the funds to make that successful and affordable.

Wow, thinking about that made me feel so calm. The unease is gone.

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