It’s not because of the responsibility that could be asked of me. My whole life has been driven by being responsible.
It’s not because of the expectations others could place on me when in this position. It used to be strenuous for me, but I have learned how to deal with that in a much better way.
It’s not because of the workload, because I’m a hard worker and very good at self-management.
It’s the power. It’s always been the power. It’s always been the fact that I have the ferocity to crush those who get in my way even though deep inside I’m terrified and guilt-ridden over the long-term damage I’ve done; the kind of damage where karmic forces may even think they have their work cut out for them. I can destroy, but I often embrace power when I’m creating, where I’m building up instead of tearing down. I’m not saying leadership is being that person who tears others down, but it can certainly seem that way living in a world like this one. The truth is that sometimes a leader has to destroy, release, let go, banish, terminate, the list goes on. Power creates and destroys; it’s a cyclical system none of us can get away from. So, I think I’m someone who favors creating and has always feared destroying.
And that needs to stop. Destruction and creation are both necessary forces. They are in harmony, like life and death. Also like life and death, life gets the more positive associations and death gets the negative because loss and distance hurts. Destruction is associated with negativity if it’s destroying something we’re lovingly attached to, but we rarely think about how creation can be negative and destruction can be positive. The creation of a system that brings suffering is something most of us aspire to destroy. If we successfully destroy that system, we have a platform, a blank slate, to create something new and with that creation comes constant reformation and evolution.
So knowing this…why would I fear that power? Why would I fear such natural forces? Probably due to my limitations and fears of the unknown. I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s suffering, but I have brought pain to others. I have to accept that and be accountable. “Never to have suffered is to have never been blessed,” is one of my favorite quotes from Edgar Allan Poe. Accountability and enlightenment is the blessing within suffering. Some people may have thought the blessing to be healing, but I personally feel it’s the transparency that accountability provides and the empowerment enlightenment brings.
The power that comes with leadership has always terrified me. Why would I fear such a blessing?