Insecurity is a radical notion from the most defensive and protective parts of ourselves that convince us to sacrifice so much on the basis of fear. Frankly, I get really frustrated with these internal extremes that tell me, “You don’t write like this or that so you should just stop…forever.” It’s ridiculous because when I breakdown this thought process, I always come to the conclusion that I’m just not happy with myself. There are still these bits of shame, like little, poisonous seeds hiding in really rich soil that I keep finding though I’ve been doing much more reflection and grounding to remind myself that who I am is enough.
I was overthinking my articles today and why I call it research. It is and isn’t research for my novel. Really, it’s just my interests being written out in more of a discourse. I’ve been told I write in a way that’s really informative, but other than my chakra stone list articles, I don’t really want the information I share to be so easily accepted. I want to discuss the topic and argument or theory I propose. Sure, some of my articles are a little more on the assertive side, as in addressing how twin flame experiences aren’t purely romantic or that being an empath does certainly lead to discovering your psychic or intuitive potential, but I still want to hear feedback. My article about my link to faith and Hermeticism shook me for a while (which is why it currently isn’t available since I’m working on its revision); I think it was my tone and my sources that brought on a lot of strong feedback, which I was grateful for, but I did end up watering those seeds of insecurity thinking I was just some delirious person who had no idea what Hermeticism was about, unlike those who gave me feedback and truly made Hermeticism their personal philosophy. But the thing is, that feedback was absolutely wonderful. I just have the tendency to take criticism as the chopping block for my dignity. I don’t need to be punished for seeing things differently or because I’m inexperienced with a certain topic, but still wanted to write about it. In fact, I’m not that inexperienced with Hermeticism, but I could certainly reach out to more sources than The Kyballion (and I certainly wished the feedback I got would’ve recommended some sources). I write because I am a writer and all that comes with that is experience and growth. Why does my insecurity want to cut myself short from the many benefits of taking everything in? And why haven’t I become grounded enough to face my insecurities with more gumption?
That in itself is also an experience I need to learn. It’s sort of like pulling out weeds from your driveway that keep sprouting over and over again. Besides, it’s not like I’m wanting to feed the weeds, it’s just a part of nature doing it’s thing. Yeah. It’s human nature. I mean, I almost went to a place of discouraging myself from finishing my novel simply because my use of mythology may piss of a few Greek and Egyptian mythology nerds. The intention of my writing isn’t too offend anyone (or coddle anyone’s views); I write so I can be. That’s it. And if the audience that takes a chance on my craft doesn’t align with my perspectives, they can put the book down and move on as I continue to tread forward and keep writing. Yes, I do want my work to be discussed. I really, really do want that, even when my sensitive nature shirks in my shadows and cries on my superego’s shoulder for not reaching certain standards or expectations. When I receive feedback and my sensitive nature gets triggered, in that moment, I have to decide whether I’m going to water the weeds or yank them out.
I am a writer. I am an artist. I am enough. I am.
I think affirming who you are on your own is the ultimate weed killer because sometimes yanking out weeds is a temporary fix. You gotta get those bitches at the root. No matter what anyone says, I have to believe that I am enough.
On another note, I recently remembered how much I love film and writing screenplays…I’ve had an old piece in mind, but it was a script for a video game. I could easily make it into a movie though.